jokes bad or otherwise.

KFC are having bad sales so Colonel Sanders phones the Pope and says "If you change the Lords prayer to give us this day our daily chicken instead of bread I will donate $10 million to the Vatican. The Pope pauses a minute and says " I'm sorry my son but the Lords Prayer is sacred and I cannot change it"

After another month of bad sales Colonel Sanders again phones the Pope and says "If you change the Lords prayer to give us this day our daily chicken instead of bread I will donate $50 million to the Vatican. The Pope pauses a minute and again says " I'm sorry my son but the Lords Prayer is sacred and I cannot change it"

Another two months pass and sales are poor so Colonel Sanders again phones the Pope and says "If you change the Lords prayer to give us this day our daily chicken instead of bread I will donate $100 million to the Vatican. The Pope pauses a minute and finally agrees to the change.

The Pope convenes a meeting with all the Cardinals and Fathers in Rome to make the announcement . " I have some good news and bad news for you brethren , the Good News is we have been given $100 million from Colonel Sanders and from now on the Lords Prayer will be changed to Give us this day our daily Chicken "

One Cardinal pipes up and asks " And the bad news your Reverence??"

" The bad news is we lost the Warburtons/Wonder Accounts"
 
Through the centre of London there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, Piers Morgan, and spotty student.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, Piers Morgan is holding the side of his face, and the Student is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, Piers Morgan tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him, brilliant!"

The young woman is thinking : "How weird is Piers Morgan ,he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

Piers Morgan is thinking : "Now that's a smart Student, he steal the kiss and I get slapped."

And the Student is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping Piers Morgan.! "
 
Howard set up a bicycle puncture repair business but felt he was not getting any respect from his employees so he went to a local sign shop , bought a sign "I'm the Boss" and taped it to his office door . When he returned after lunch there was a note on the door saying " Your wife Pearl phoned and she wants her sign back"
 
A bit risque but so funny in my opinion

A manager hires an ex army lady as his secretary who is both efficient and polite.

During her first morning he is dictating a letter to her when she notices his flies are undone on his trousers . After finishing the letter she discreetly mentions to him looking at his trousers " That he may wish to know that the Barrack room door is open "

Some time later after seeing his flies were undone he thanks the lady but enquires " You know earlier when the 'Barrack Room Door ' was open did you notice a Soldier standing to attention ? "

The Secretary pauses and replies " Sorry sir I didn't , I only saw a Chelsea Pensioner lying on his old kit bags"
 

dick

Well-Known Member
A woman went to the doctors claiming she was near to a breakdown. The doctor said she should give up cigarettes , gin and sex for three months.
A week later she was back saying that without her cigarettes she was even closer to the breakdown. Ok said the doctor limit yourself to 5 a day !
She went back saying she missed her gin, could she manage 1 glass a day ?? The doctor okayed it and she went away.
A week later she was back but before she spoke ,the doctor said "Only with your husband , there must be no excitement !":08::fp:
 
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"

She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"

He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
 
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.

"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine!"
 
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