jokes bad or otherwise.

A man came home from work and found his young daughter furiously digging a hole in the garden !
"What are you doing ?" he asked.
"Burying my goldfish !" came the answer..
"That's a big hole for a goldfish !" he said.
"Yes but its inside the cat !" she said . :fp::08:
 
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark, cob-web filled, rooms and passages.

"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."
 
A Lawyer runs a Stop sign at a Junction and gets pulled over by a Traffic Cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the Cop because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Policeman's expense...........

Traffic Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Traffic Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign at the Junction "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Traffic Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Traffic Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Traffic Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Traffic Cop takes out his Pepper Spray , squirts the Lawyer and then starts beating the crap out of him with his Truncheon and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bulls*!t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there
 
A woman leaves a coffee morning when she notices a strange funeral procession passing . There are two hearses, a woman dressed in black head to toe walking with a large Rottweiler followed by about a hundred women walking in single file . Unable to contain herself she approaches the lady with the dog and says " So sorry for your loss but this is unusual for a funeral what happened"

"Well my Husband is in the first hearse he was attacked by the dog and died from his injuries , his mother tried to intervened and the dog mauled her to death. " " My that is a strange story but I wonder if you would consider lending me your dog?" the lady replied.

"Get in line sister" the widow replies.
 
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Davy is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." Davy replies sheepishly. "So, really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
 
A child in class, when asked to draw a picture of the Holy Family, produced a picture in which Mary and the baby sat on a recognisably donkeyish steed, led by Joseph. on the ground nearby lay a black blob.

"What is that?" asked the teacher. "The flea," answered the artist.

"What flea, dear?" asked the puzzled teacher.

"The one the Angel told Joseph to take."

Eventually, puzzled but not liking to challenge an imaginative child, the teacher checked out her Bible. And there it was : Matthew 2:13 "......the angel of the Lord saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt..........."
 
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
 
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
 
THIS MAY GET ME BANNED ;)
Woman sat opposite a Scotsman in a kilt on the train. "I've always wondered" she said "Is it true that you don't wear any underwear with the kilt ?"
He said "Theres a way to find out lady, put your hand under and check !" She did this and jumps back startled :39:
She said "Oh that's gruesome !" He said " If you do that again ,you may find its grew some more !":eyesroll::fp:
 
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