jokes bad or otherwise.

A group of Ladies are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real sourpuss, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accommodation is dreadful..."

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it." :)
 
A bit risque but

A man is passing his wife in the kitchen and pinches her bottom saying "if you firm this up you could get rid of you thick support underwear"

The next day he touches her chest and says " If you firmed those up you could get rid of your wired bra"

The next day his wife rolls over in bed and grabs his private parts and says " If you firmed this up you could get rid of the Postman, Pizza Delivery boy..................." :eek::eek2:
 
A newly wed couple wish to worship at the local church in the village they have moved to . The Vicar greets them and informs them that it is a lovely church with a wonderful congregation but they have a strict rule " In our church we believe that to show true faith you must demonstrate that you live by those lessons that God taught in the bible including abstinence from carnal desire , do you think you can attain that"

" I am so sorry Reverend I don't believe we can , my wife was reaching up for a tin of peas and she dropped them on the floor . When she bent over to pick them up lust took over and we partook in the pleasures of the flesh"

The Vicar retorts " I am sorry to tell you that you will not be welcome in our Church"

"That's fine Vicar" the man replies " We are banned from the local Supermarket as well"
 
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognised as Piers Morgan snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and Piers Morgan gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'
 
captain clutterbuck said:
A bit risque but

A man is passing his wife in the kitchen and pinches her bottom saying "if you firm this up you could get rid of you thick support underwear"

The next day he touches her chest and says " If you firmed those up you could get rid of your wired bra"

The next day his wife rolls over in bed and grabs his private parts and says " If you firmed this up you could get rid of the Postman, Pizza Delivery boy..................." :eek::eek2:
Click to expand...
Not to mention the Milkman but only when it's Double Cream. ;)
 
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

Surprised, the pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"

The woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.

Horrified, the pharmacist says, "Madam, I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The woman reaches into her handbag, takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter. The photo shows a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph.

The pharmacist picks up the photo and nods, "Ah, madam, I didn't realise you had a prescription."
 
A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that all the mail is read, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the loot."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
 
Bit late I know


ST. PATRICK'S DAY GROANERS


Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Real rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A: St. O'Claus.
 
And some more

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they're very short-tempered.

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
 
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Paddy, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I would that, Father."

The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

Paddy said, "No."

The priest said, "And why not?"

He said, "I have two greyhounds."
 
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