Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.
Why did the pie go to the dentist ??................................It needed a filling !
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Accountant: "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
Doctor: "Have you tried counting sheep?"
Accountant: "Yes, and that's the problem! I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it!"
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.
"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theatre far from the stage.
The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up.
Returning to the man in the back of the theatre, he whispers, "Follow me." The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.
"Thanks so much," says the theatregoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlour with the candlestick."
A friend bumped into his pirate buddy on the street, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the friend, "You couldn't lose an eye just from that!"
"It was my first day with the hook."
A friend of mine asked me to go to the front of his car to see if his turn signal was working. I did and yelled out, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
A husband has to go away on a business trip. Really bad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set of twins (boy & girl).
Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his plane takes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital. She has a rough labor and it takes a long time to recover her communication skills.
But the hospital needs names for the babies before they can release them from the hospital. So it's up to the new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster) to name them.
When the husband finally comes home, he is a bit worried about what his brother named his children. So he carefully asks his wife what are their names.
She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise."
"Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles.
"I know, but he named your son Denephew!"
What bow can't you untie?? ..........................A rainbow!
What do you call a fly with no wings ??........................................A walk!
Which animal is best for hitting a ball ??..........................................A Bat!
What's the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu ??..........................One needs tweetment , the other needs oinkment .
What wobbles as it flies ?...............A jellicopter
I've written a book on reverse psychology . .............DONT READ IT!!
What do you call a Spaniard recently discharged from hospital ??.........................Manuel !
Why did the strawberry cry ??.......................His mother was in a jam!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
I once ate a watch, .....................It was time consuming!
Why was the chicken arrested ?.....................................For using fowl language!!
Separate names with a comma.