jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgement at the Pearly Gates.

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." The taxi driver walked through the gates wearing his silken and robe and bearing his golden staff.

The priest then walked to Saint Peter and boomed," I am Father Dan Snow who has preached at Saint Mary's Church for fifty years." St.Peter looked at his list and smiled. Welcome Mr. Snow take this wool robe and this wooden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." "Wait a minute", the priest said,"Why does the taxi driver get a better robe and staff than me? I've spent almost my whole life dedicated to the church!"

"Up here we work by results." said Saint Peter."While he drove, people prayed, while you preached, people slept."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

"Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said to him in a solemn voice:

" Eyes Down for a full House two little Ducks 22 , two fat ladies 88...................................... "
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A bunch of men book up to go on holiday and agree to book twin rooms for the fortnight.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was an older guy , a real man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
The CIA have lost track of one of their agents Murphy and send a Spy Hunter to find him .

The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ”

So the Spy Hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy. ”

The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too. ”

Hearing this, the Spy Hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ”

The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street house Number 7."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.

The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
While on vacation in Spain with my wife I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.

The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman but they said she was the Manager of the Bar opposite the Hotel where she doubled up her time as a Doctor. So I popped over to offer my thanks

I said, “I’m amazed that Bar has a part time doctor as skilled as yourself!”

She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A Student has failed his Law exam and he decides to confront his professor about the professor's competence with the subject,

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right," says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
A friend of mine bought some new shoes a while back, they were called smart shoes, no matter how drunk you were they could always walk you home!

One day my friend got blind drunk and woke up miles from home near the beach, apparently the shoes got bored going from his local bar to the flat, they wanted to see the world, you know?

He tried getting rid of them a few times but they always seemed to turn up again sooner or later!

The last he heard was that the shoes had hijacked a car and drove it into the river, they couldn’t steer the wheel you see.

My friend was really down about it so he decided to go see a Priest.
The priest told him that the shoes were happy and in heaven and for my friend to not worry!

As it turned out... shoes have souls :08::fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

Well-Known Member
Got to keep the thread going

A horse in in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.

The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flat in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.What do you do? ”

And the donkey says “I work with kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.” So he goes out and buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.

The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “ Ah ,that’s me when I played for Kevin Keegan at Newcastle but we didn't won nowt! ”
 
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