jokes bad or otherwise.

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."
 
A man is like a fine wine.He starts out raw as grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with
 
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"
 
The stranded Irishman
=================

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for
over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the
wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the
left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars
and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and
begorrah," said the castaway,"0h that is so good! I'd almost forgotten
how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's
Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!"
shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
 
"My God! What happened to you?" the barman asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast."I got in a fight with Riley.""Riley? He''s just a wee fellow," the barman said, "He must have had something in his hand.""That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was.""Dear Lord. Didn''t you have anything in your hand?""Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley''s left boob." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
 
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."
 
LOOOOOL, that was sweet somehow! Reminds me of the Wind in the Willows, the beginning. Mind you, not the end!
 
A woman prayed every day for 20 years to win the lottery. Finally, in despair, she said, "God, I've been a true and faithful servant and have lived an exemplary life. Why won't you grant me this one thing?""Look," said God, "at least meet me half way -- and buy a lottery ticket."
 
A 97-year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lower!"
 
A young boy got a role in his school's play. His father was really proud of him and asked, "So,
what part did you get?"The little boy replies, "I got the part of a man who's been married for 25 years."His father congratulated him said "That's good son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"
 
Two men work for the council: one digs a hole, the other quickly fills the hole.

A confused passerby asks, "Why do you dig a hole and fill it up again?"

The digger leans on his shovel and replies, "The bloke who plants the trees is off sick today."
 
A pensioner is driving on the motorway. His wife calls him on mobile phone and says, ''Arthur, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on the motorway!''He says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
 
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his willy.An ugly woman is passing and remarks: "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady!"He replied: "If you were any sort of a lady, the hat would lift itself!"
 
George said:
A pensioner is driving on the motorway. His wife calls him on mobile phone and says, ''Arthur, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on the motorway!''He says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
Click to expand...

:D ;D

for some reason that is the sort of little tale I quite enjoy....
 
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone
should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be
ready a few days after the funeral.
Later the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When he gets there he sees that it's been engraved "She were Thin".

He explodes - 'Good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!'

The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be
rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - 'There you
go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you.'

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were
Thin".

G ; )
 
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