jokes bad or otherwise.

A couple's lawn mower was broken, and the wife kept hinting to her husband that he should get it repaired. But the message never sunk in. She finally thought of a way to make her point.

One day the husband arrived home to find her seated in the grass busily snipping away with a pair of scissors. He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house.

He returned a few moments later, handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say he should be able to walk again, but always have the limp.
 
My friends just returned to Britain after ten years living abroad.
On his first weekend back, I asked him what he wanted to do.
'why don't we go to HMV so I catch up on all the music I've missed the past few years, then head over to Woolworth, grab some pick n mix, then stop off at Blockbuster to rent a film for the evening' he said.
'Erm slight problem with that' I replied.
'What?' he said.
'Your house has been repossessed.'
 
I was at a rock festival last weekend when I thought,''This is almost as boring as the paper and scissors one last year.''
 
Amazon are selling a book called "Test Your Dog's IQ."
Presumably, if you buy it for £5.74, your dog's IQ is considerably higher than your own.
 
Quorn mince is the latest in the food scandal, DNA tests reveal it contains the entire contents of a carpentry workshops hoover bag.
 
I was late coming into work again and the boss was furious.
She called me into the office and said, "What's your excuse this time?"
"Slept in," I shrugged.
"For goodness sake, at least tell me something I haven't heard before!"
I replied, "You're looking lovely today."
 
THE exciting news in Scotland is Disney's Lion King coming to Edinburgh Playhouse for three months later this year. Have you ever noticed the temptation to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away?
 
I was late coming into work again and the boss was furious.
She called me into the office and said, "What's your excuse this time?"
"Slept in," I shrugged.
"For goodness sake, at least tell me something I haven't heard before!"
I replied, "You're looking lovely today."
Click to expand...

Hope you didn't get fired ;)
 
I decided to test out the theory that if you throw a cat off a building they will always land on their feet.
It's true, in the time it took me to get outside the cat had already got himself a steady job, a decent house and his own family.

(No animals were harmed in the making of this joke)
 
You don't get thanked often enough for thr jokes so I thank you and appreciate youur humour. Thanks to the others also but you are the main contributor.
 
Due to the recent horse meat scandal, B&Q are now having their wood flooring tested.
Apparently there was lamb in it.
 
At a job interview.
"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a toss what you think."
 
An earthquake, in Blackpool, measuring 1.2 on the Richter scale, has caused 15,000 pounds worth of improvement.
 
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