jokes bad or otherwise.

I've just won a single glove in a competition I found on the back of a jar of Colmans.
Not a great prize, mustard mitt.
 
The guy at the Job Centre said if I want this job, I've got to stand out from the rest at the interview.
I think this panda Onesie should do the trick.
 
Saw a sign on the train saying "please give this seat to an elderly person"
So i unscrewed it and took it to my granddads house...
 
I learned the hard way that you should never drink and drive.
I'm never gonna get this cherryade stain out.
 
When I see lovers names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.
 
My wife slammed her fist on the table and said "Why must you question everything I say!?"
"Everything!?" I replied
 
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on.
The suspension is killing me.
 
I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbits' feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill.
I thought, he's pushing his luck.
 
No matter how often I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!
 
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
 
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