jokes bad or otherwise.

A bloke knocked on my door this morning and said, "Could you spare 5 minutes to do an opinion poll?"
I replied, "Sorry mate, my opinion isn't in at the moment, she's down the shops."
 
You can tell its already roasting today.

I've just seen a pensioner go past with the top button of his coat undone.
 
My mate says his wife is trying to persuade him to get a dog.
He said: "My ideal dog would be one with soft fur for stroking, not too heavily built, that keeps itself clean, is relatively independent and cheap to maintain...
...Basically, a cat."
 
My wife said, "Do you mind changing the baby?"
"Of course not, I've been wanting to for a while."
"Why?" she laughed.
"Because this one never shuts up!"
 
When I was growing up my Mum used to say to me, "Mind your P's and Q's."
Now I'm older and got kids of my own I say to them, "Mind your F's and C's."
 
I went to the doctors earlier to complain that sex has started to become really uncomfortable.
"When did this start?" He asked.
"Last week"
"Ok" he replied. "What happened?"
"I went back to my wife."
 
My daughter's hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it.

No luck though, he definitely wasn't in the pub.
 
Papiss Cissé fined for refusing to wear shirt showing Newcastle club sponsor Wonga.

Initial fine of £5,000, rising to £47,987,654,334 if he hasn't paid by Friday.
 
Office for National Statistics report that police recorded crime figures are down again
Nearly to the levels of the rest of the population
 
When i bit into my meat pie,there was a massive great fly in the middle.
Disgusted,i took the pie back to the shop.
The baker looked at it and said"that's fat that is"
"It should be" i said "it's eaten half my pie"
 
My mate said, "How did your date go last night?"
I said, "It went really well."
Winking, he said, "Did you do anything naughty?"
I said, "I stole her purse."
 
I'm that unlucky, I've just received a letter from Readers Digest to say I 'haven't' been included in this months lucky draw
 
My five year old son said he wanted a tree house in the back garden.
Twenty years growing a tree and now the ungrateful little sod doesn't want it anymore.
 
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