jokes bad or otherwise.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.


On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"


The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." Then he leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."


The pastor put the $100 bill back into the groom's hand and whispered, "She made me a better offer."
 
Jokes bad or otherwise

A local pub decides to go on a mystery tour , the members had a sweepstake to guess where they were going and the bus driver won £25.
 
Jokes bad or otherwise

Hopefully not too British but a man is suffering in agony with haemorroids and has tried everything to relieve them . Finally he is talking to his friend who tells him to make a cup of tea and when the tea bag has cooled he should split the bag, take the cold tea leaves and rub them into the affected area . He tries this for a couple of days but it is still painful so he goes to the Doctors.

The Doctor asks what the problem is and the man tells him the condition . The Doctor instructs him to go behind the screen , remove his pants and underwear and bend over which the man duly does . The Doctor goes behind the screen and takes a look " Ah yes I see the problem " . "What do you think then Doctor" the man asks to which the Doctor replies " You're going on a long journey and you will meet a beautiful women , July will be a good month.................................."
 
Not Really a Joke - Very Sad in Many Ways

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
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So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
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"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
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"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
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"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"​
"For about 60 years."
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"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
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"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
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"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
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"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
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"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
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And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
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"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall ! "​
 
Two men in a retirement home were sat on a bench talking.
One turned to the other and said "Slim , I've turned 83 and I'm just full of aches and pains. How do you feel??"
Slim said" I feel just like a new born baby!"
"A new born baby? How come??"
Slim said "Yep, no hair ,no teeth and I just wet my pants!!":30:
 
An old feller had serious hearing problems for years.He went to see his doctor and managed to get fitted with two new hearing aids , he came away hearing 100%.
He went back for a check at the end of the month and the doctor said to him "Your hearing is perfect, your family must be very pleased!"

The old feller said "I haven't told them yet , I just sit around listening to them talk. I've changed my will three times!!":me:
 
jokes bad or otherwise

Not a joke but amusing story in the press. A tortoise apparently has been returned to its owner 10 years after it had gone missing . It appears in the first few months it had travelled 400 yards from the garden of the owner's house when someone spotted it , put it in there van and took it 22 miles away to their home [apparently the local press received a complaint from one Harold Hare saying that's $%£" cheating of the worst kind all bets are off for the race forget it] . Someone recognised the owner's name that was painted on said tortoise's shell , recovered it and returned it to its rightful owner.
 
A man was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was his turn.

He rolled the dice and he landed on Science & Nature.

His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

He thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

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A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother," the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."
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An inept golfer's ball flew into the rough and landed on an anthill.

He tried and tried to hit the ball back onto the fairway but each time he
missed and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place.

One ant turned to another and said, "If we are going to survive, we had
better get on the ball."
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A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.

He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"

"A cheque," replied the guide.
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A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm okay but I didn't like the four-letter words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say??" asked the nurse.

"'Oops!'"
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When my daughter said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every pet (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." Soon this closing became part of her nightly routine.

My curiosity got the best of me, so I asked her, "Kelly, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

"Well," she said, "Because everyone else always finishes their prayers by saying, 'All Men!' "

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BOB HOPE JOKE

"I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for a whole hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."

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BOB HOPE ON milestones of life

ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

On TURNING 100: "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap!"

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