jokes bad or otherwise.

A nun, gets up in the morning and leaves her room and walks down the corridor.
Another nun looks at her and says with a sly grin, "you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She then passes another nun who says, "You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning didn't you?"
This happens 15 more times as she walks down the hall and by then she's livid.
She then sees the Mother Superior walking towards her. The Mother Superior is just about to open her mouth, when the nun stops her by yelling, "DON'T TELL ME THAT I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!!!"
And the Mother Superior replies, "I wasn't going to say that. I was just going to ask you why you're wearing the Bishop’s shoes?"
 
In Sunday School the topic was how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what's the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
 
Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team's game. They promised whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.

He said to Bob, "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There IS baseball in heaven."

Bob said, "That's the best news!"

Then Earl said, "Time for the bad news...you're pitching tomorrow night."
 
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A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
 
A Man an his family are driving along when he spots a Frog in the road , he manages to stop , gets out the Car and moves the Frog to safety at the side of the road. The Frog hanks him for his kindness and offers him a wish. The man thinks for a minute and says " My dog is in the car I would love him to win the Greyhound Derby" . The Frog spots the dog in the car and notices it only has three legs . The Frog says " With the best will in the world I won't be able to do that is there anything else? "

The man thinks and then says " Can you arrange it for my wife to enter and win the Miss UK Beauty contest" . The Frog looks in the car and catches a glimpse of his wife and retorts " Show me the dog again!"
 
A man and wife are in bed when there is a loud knock at the door . The man sees its 3.30 in the morning but goes down and opens the door . A drunk man is standing and asks if he can help him by giving him a push. " It's half three in the morning no I won't and you're drunk ." He shuts the door and goes back to bed. When he gets there his wife says " You should have helped him remember when we were going to pick up the kids and you broke down and knocked on a man's door , if he hadn't have helped where would we have been ."

Feeling guilty the Man goes down and shouts " Are you still there , I'm sorry but I will give you a push , where are you " . The drunken mam pipes up " I'm over here on the swing and I still need that push"
 
A man and wife are in bed when the Man breaks wind . His wife rolls over and shouts "What the hell was that ??? "

"First goal 1-0 to me !" A few minutes later the wife breaks wind . The Man rolls over and asks " What the hell was that??"

" Equalising goal 1-1 now "

The man spends ten minutes trying to break wind again when unfortunately he not only breaks wind but messes all over the bed.

His wife rolls over and shouts "What was that !!!!"

" Half time switch sides"
 
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
 
A mother goes into the bedroom to wake her son for school. "It's time to get up Son and get dressed for school" . "But Mum I don't want to go!" " Give me two good reasons why you shouldn't go" . The son replies " well all the kids hate me and so do all the Teachers , so you give me two reasons why I should go. "

"Well Son , you're 52 and you are the Headmaster"
 
Jimmy Carr the Comedian is finally hauled in front of the Tax Inspector who is auditing his Accounts . The inspector addresses Jimmy " Mr Carr , we should all feel that it is a privilege and pleasure to Live and work in the United Kingdom and as a Citizen you have an obligation to pay your taxes and we expect you to pay them expediently with a smile ," at which point Jimmy pulls a huge ear to ear grin and says " Well that's me up to date, paid up in full , see you next year"
 
An Engineer is sent to Hell by mistake , within two weeks he has installed air conditioning , put in escalators and lifts to get about and improved the pipe work for the water supply . God was looking one down day and noticed the changes so he got on the blower to the Devil . "What;'s this ? How did you make all these great changes. " " Simple , the Engineer you sent me did it all." the Devil replied.

" I didn't send you an Engineer , that was a mistake I want him back now!" "No Chance ," the Devil replies . "If you don't send him back I'll sue you for every penny you have. " God shouts.

The Devil replies " And where do you think you are going to find a Lawyer ! "
 
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