jokes bad or otherwise.

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Bill, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
 
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
 
An elderly Vicar is dying and as his final wish he asks for his Accountant and the Tax Man to visit him , which they duly do . As they go into his bedroom he beckons them over and tells them to sit either side of him on the bed. He asks them to hold his hand at which point they ask why he has such and unusual request. " All my years as a Vicar I have worshipped God and his son Jesus Christ . When Jesus was crucified he died on the cross between two thieves , so when I die I want to go the same way!"
 
It was love at first sight, within a week they were planning to be married.
He said to her "Before we commit I must tell you I am an absolute golf nut and I will be on the greens most weekends !"
She said " I have a confession, I am a hooker!"
"That's alright "he said ,"we can fix that , " "Probably how you hold the club "!:08::fp:
 
A man went into a bar and ordered a pint of Less. The barman looked at him and said "I 've never heard of Less ,is it a new style beer ?"
" Dunno " said the man, " I saw the doctor this morning and he said I should drink Less ! ":fp:
 
The constable was walking down the street when in a doorway he saw a woman with her blouse open,her panties round her ankles and eating a bag of sweets.
"Whats happening here" he said ? …………...The woman looked at him and said "Bloody hell ,has he gone ??":eek2::eyesroll:
 
There once was a Doctor ,Politician, Priest and a little boy travelling on a plane to France from London. All of a sudden the pilot announces that the plane has engine trouble .

The pilot grabs a parachute and bails out . Only 3 parachutes remain. The doctor says " I save lives so I need to live to save the lives of others ," he takes his parachute and bails out.

The Politician says " My colleagues and I are the smartest people in the world, I must survive. " He grabs a parachute and jumps.

The priest tells the little boy " Here son you take the last parachute , I am old and you have your life ahead of you."

The little boy said "No Father it's fine because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my backpack !"
 
Father Christmas was not in a good frame of mind in fact he was depressed . He got up that morning to find his bacon had been burnt and his wife had told him her mother was coming to stay for a few days which he knew would be a few weeks.

He then faced a deputation from the Elves who said they were on strike for more money . Although he hired some more they were not as good and toy production was down 30%.

He popped in to see the Reindeer to find two were expecting and another two had kicked down a fence and escaped.By now he was even more depressed and decided he needed a drink.

On returning to the house he found the Elves had hidden his whisky so he had to settle for coffee. As he took the Coffee jar off the shelf he dropped it and it broke scattering coffee everywhere . He went for his broom to sweep up only to find that mice had chewed away all the bristles.

At that the doorbell ring so he trudged off to answer it . On opening the door he was greeted by a cheery fairy who had a beautiful tree.

"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stickit?"
And that ladies and Gentleman is why we always have a fairy on top of the Tree at Christmas!
 
A traffic policeman pulls over a driver for speeding . As he starts to talk to him through the car window he asks " Excuse me sir but your eyes are bloodshot have you by any chance been drinking?"

The man replies " I notice that your eyes have glazed over , have you been eating donuts !!"
 
My mate went for a job interview and was told that first impressions are important.
He answered every question as Tommy Cooper !:08:
 
The golfer came home sad. He said to his wife that he'd move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on the course.
His wife said "I should try Heaven, you've already moved most of the earth !":eyesroll:
 
captain clutterbuck said:
Father Christmas was not in a good frame of mind in fact he was depressed . He got up that morning to find his bacon had been burnt and his wife had told him her mother was coming to stay for a few days which he knew would be a few weeks.

He then faced a deputation from the Elves who said they were on strike for more money . Although he hired some more they were not as good and toy production was down 30%.

He popped in to see the Reindeer to find two were expecting and another two had kicked down a fence and escaped.By now he was even more depressed and decided he needed a drink.

On returning to the house he found the Elves had hidden his whisky so he had to settle for coffee. As he took the Coffee jar off the shelf he dropped it and it broke scattering coffee everywhere . He went for his broom to sweep up only to find that mice had chewed away all the bristles.

At that the doorbell ring so he trudged off to answer it . On opening the door he was greeted by a cheery fairy who had a beautiful tree.

"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stickit?"
And that ladies and Gentleman is why we always have a fairy on top of the Tree at Christmas!
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I have read this - in a book by a bishop!
 
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