jokes bad or otherwise.

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed in the next county over.

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy...this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."
 
The devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."
 
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.

My boss asked, "What companies?"

Gas, water and electricity.
 
Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.
 
A rather Ditzy lady gets caught in a hailstorm which ends up with her car being severely dented due to the the size of the hail stones . She decides to get it fixed and takes it to her local Garage . The guy in charge decides to have a bit of fun with the lady and tells her although he can fix it the charges will be quite high . " A cheaper option" he tells her " Is take it home and then get down to the rear of the car blow hard through the exhaust and the pressure will take all the dents out.

Sure enough the lady goes home , gets down and blows through the exhaust pipe but nothing happens . She tries once again but it fails. Just then her flatmate returns and she asks her what she is doing , so the lady explains about the garage , at which her Flatmate pipes up " If you are going to blow the dents out your car it's obvious you need to wind the windows up first silly !"
 
A man is at the end of his tether, he has been made redundant , his wife has left him , he lost his house and he has decided to end it all and has climbed onto the barrier on the highest bridge in his town and is ready to end it all. As he stand there he looks down and sees a man with no arms who is dancing wildly on the river bank . It causes him to pause for thought thinking look at that man he has no arms but he is so happy dancing for joy on the river bank.

The man decides to climb down and goes down to see the man . As he approaches the man he says " Thank you so so much I was standing on the bridge ready to end it all , looked down and saw you dancing with joy and I decided life cannot be all that bad. "

The man replies " Not that bad mate , yes it is my ass is itchy as hell and I cannot scratch it that's why I am dancing !!!!"
 
This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
 
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it one day by driving him 20 streets from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 streets away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jenny, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that little £$%&* on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
 
While two families were waiting in line to go on the London Eye , their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the normal kind," replied Adam.
 
Recruits got a shock when their RAF basic-training instructor turned out to be an attractive female sergeant. Her assistant, however, was a burly, hawk-nosed veteran whose glare could freeze water.

At the end of training, the instructor congratulated the recruits on their attitude and dedication and said that if there was anything she could do for us, just ask.

From the back, a voice called out, "How about a kiss from the sergeant?" "Sure," she replied, raising her hand to quell the laughter. "But I always let my assistant take care of it , so pucker up boys !"
 
A Teacher is trying to teach her infant class a new word every day and today's word is definitely. So she asks the class to give her a short sentence with that word in and asks Rachel first . " The sky is definitely blue today" . " Very good Rachel that's correct but sometimes its grey and red " the teacher says. John speaks up next " The water is definitely clear ." Very good John that's correct but sometimes it's muddy."

Louise is next. " My dress is definitely green." "Very good Louise that's correct but sometimes they can be different colours ."

The teacher then turns to Bobby who wants to ask a question first . "Certainly Bobby ask away." the teacher responds.

" Teacher do Pumps have lumps?" " No why do you ask ?" the Teacher replies . " Well in that case I have definitely pooped my pants!"
 
A guy is driving around the back woods of Scotland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down farmhouse:

Talking Dog for Sale

He knocks on the door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back garden.

The guy goes into the garden and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Ay!" the Dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 and they had me inducted into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The SAS ."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with Spies and World Leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from MI5 (8 dog years is 56 MI5 years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, fathered lots of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"£10," the guy says.

"£10? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that drivel. He was in the Navy!" :tw:
 
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
 
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