jokes bad or otherwise.

Jimmy came from the pub Friday night steaming drunk so he took his clobber off , chucked it on the floor and climbed quietly into bed next to his wife pecking her on the cheek and then fell into a deep sleep.

When he awoke he was greeted by a man with long silver hair and a white robe . " Who the hell are you " Jimmy asked . "I am St Peter and I have to tell you that you have died in your sleep but redemption is at hand and you can be returned to earth as a dog or a hen? "

After a short period of thought Jimmy decided that a Hen was best plenty of fresh air and open fields he could simply strut around and eat what he wants.

A few hours after being returned and strutting around he meets the Rooster says hello the Rooster replies "Hello your new , nice to see you." Jimmy , now a hen, says " Can I ask you a question , I've got this strange feeling inside like I am going to explode"

The Rooster tells him " You're ovulating have you never laid an egg before" " Never" Jimmy replies

" Just relax and let it happen you'll be fine" The Rooster replies.

Jimmy duly lays the first egg and he is overcome with joy at being a mother, the second comes and he is full of the joys of spring.

As he can feel the third one coming he feels an enormous smack on his head followed by a voice saying "Jimmy you drunken ""££$%% wake up you are crapping all over the bed!!"
 
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Enemy, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, an Enemy soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The Enemy soldier falls dead.

More Soldiers appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one Enemy soldier walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The Soldier keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The Soldier keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for £150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"

The man replied, "Long, long ago a man died here, was entombed here, and three days later he rose from the dead. It is just too risky !!!!!".
 
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's private parts . A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!" :eek:
 
A Singaporean, a Chinese and an Englishman were asked to compare their Leaders with a National Landmark or Monument (man made or natural).

The Chinese wrote, "My leaders are like the Great Wall of China...old, but still as strong as the bricks in the Wall."

The Singaporean wrote, "My leaders are like the many high rise buildings in Singapore. They build our nation and bring us to greater heights."

The Englishman wrote, "My leaders are like the Lake District Hills . They have been around for a long time, doing nothing ."
 
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his Nappy . So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is shafting the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s%$t."
 
Three kids in the park found an old lamp. They rubbed it and out popped a genie. He said to them "You set me free , so if you go on the slide I will give you what you shout for !"
The first one had a slide and shouted "gold!" and was rewarded with a bucket of gold coins.
The second one shouted "diamonds !"and was rewarded with a bucket full.
The third one who never paid attention shouted " weeeeee":08::fp:
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".
 
A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.

It was a beautiful day....fall colours, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the atheist heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the atheist saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!"

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the atheist heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"

And the atheist thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.

And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "
For what I am about to eat, may the Lord make me truly thankful"
 
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