jokes bad or otherwise.

Patrick , a furniture dealer from St Catherine, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French _(which Patrick could not understand)_, so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Patrick has absolutely no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!!
 
A traffic cop pulled over a man who was weaving all over the road in his .car He said to the driver "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser !"
The driver said "Sorry officer, I'm an asthmatic ,if I do that it could cause me to have an asthma attack !"
The officer said "ok fine, come to the station and give us a blood sample "
The man said "Cant do that either, I'm a haemophiliac, I may bleed to death !"
"Well sir we'll need a urine sample !"
"Cant do that I'm diabetic, it will lower my blood sugar too much !"
"Well sir can you walk the white line for me ?"
"Sorry officer, cant be done, ..............I'm way too drunk !!":08::fp:
 
COUNCIL REPAIR REQUESTS :
Can you send someone to mend the garden path ?My wife tripped on it the other day, now she is pregnant !
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.....................I want some repairs to my cooker as it backfired and my knob fell off !
The toilet is blocked, we cannot bath the kids till it is cleared.:confused2:
This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we cant get BBC2:frown2:
 
A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross the Atlantic in a 16 foot sailboat.

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realises there could be benefits to either choice. Perhaps the box of novels could be about sailing or survival. On the other hand the criminals could be experienced in sailing or survival.

He decides the most important thing about either is going to be how heavy they are. He is going to be using a really small boat and too much weight could slow him down or cause him to sink.

In order to figure out which one will benefit him the most he decides to weigh the prose and cons.:fp:
 
A lawyer was in court cross-examining a doctor .
"Before you signed the death certificate had you checked the mans pulse ??"
"No " replied the doctor.................."Well " said the lawyer "did you listen for a heartbeat"?
"No" said the doctor.............."Well " said the lawyer " did you check for signs of breathing ?"
"No " said the doctor .
" You mean to tell me that you signed the certificate without confirming he was dead ??"!
The doctor answered very slowly "When I signed the certificate the mans brain was in a jar on my desk!"
But I suppose he could be out there somewhere practising law !!":08:
 
I was talking to a priest the other day and I could not resist asking him why he wore his collar back to front.
"I wear it back to front because I'm a father," he told me.
"I'm a father but I don't wear my collar back to front," I replied.
"You don't understand," he said, "I am the father of thousands."
My eyes popped and I said, "THOUSANDS? Don't you think it's your trousers you should be wearing back to front?"
 
An American is in an Italian prison

"How'd you get here?" his cell mate asks.

"Well," he replies, "I went to go visit that famous leaning tower and then decided to get a slice of fresh pizza. I sit down and the waiter, who says the people of Pisa are so so proud of their Pizza, comes to take my order.

I asked what's good and the waiter reads down the menu , " We hava Neapolitan, Giuseppe, Pugliese, Napoli, Chicago deep dish. On hearing the last one, I was a bit surprised, laughed out loud and asked 'Ha, why in Pisa?' "

"Next thing I know, I woke up in this cell.":fp::08:
 
Three men stop for lunch on a construction site while working on the 10th floor.

The first one, Chang from China says "I am so bored with what I have been having for lunch. If I have noodles again for lunch, I am just going to jump off the building" He opens his lunch to find noodles, and promptly jumps off from the 10th floor to his death.

Mario from Italy says "I agree - I am so sick of pasta for lunch, if I find my lunch is pasta again I will jump off the building and kill myself" He opens his lunch bag to find pasta and promptly stands up and jumps off the same as Chang to his death.

Paddy the Irishman says "I agree with my friends, if I have potatoes in my lunch I will jump too" Opening his bag he finds potatoes and jumps from the 10th floor, same as his two colleagues.

There was a combined funeral for Chang, Mario and Paddy, and their grieving widows get talking "Oh if I had known Chang was tired of noodles I would have packed a different lunch! if only he had told me" Chang's widow remarked "Yes if Mario had only said that he wanted something different I would have not given him pasta all the time!" stated Mario's wife.

Paddy's wife pipes up "I don't get it - Paddy packed his own feppin lunch...."
 
Even though London Zoo is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of.

Boris Johnson answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer buttonholes him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise.":fp:
 
As a young man, Nickolai joined in the Bolshevik Revolution and was decorated for his role, and was invited to Moscow for the celebration, and put up in a big hotel there.

He had grown up in a remote village where there was no plumbing and knew nothing of toilets, so when he felt the call of nature, he looked around for a suitable place, and chose the wardrobe.

Years later, he was decorated by The Party for his outstanding role in raising record potato crops, and again invited to Moscow for the ceremony, and again given a room in the same hotel. This time he chose the bottom drawer of the dresser.

During the War against Fascism, he was recognised for his outstanding bravery against the enemy, and as a war hero was invited to Moscow for the victory parade. Once again, he was assigned to the same hotel - but by now he knew all about modern plumbing, and used the hotel toilets.

When he returned to his village, there was a telegram waiting for him. It was from the hotel.
It read: 'Dear Comrade, We give up. Where have you hidden it this time?' :08::30:
 
Four college girls are sitting an exam.

The examiner tells them there is only one question - just unscramble the letters in a word. So they looked at the word and after a moment one girl said "I know what that says! It says SPINE!" "Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a doctor."

The other three girls examine the word some more and one says "I see SNIPE!" "Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a soldier."

The remaining two girls stare at the word and finally one says "The word is PINES!" "Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a forest ranger."

The fourth girl stares and studies for a while, and then she blushes. "I guess I will have to be a hooker then..." :oops::30:
 
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