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A guy hears a knock at the door. He opens it up to find a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street. Five years go by. One day he hears a knock on the door and opens it to see a snail. The snail says, "What the heck was that about?!"

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

An older couple is having dinner in a restaurant. The wife sees another couple about their age sitting in a booth nearby. She sees the husband sitting close to his wife, with his arm around her. He is whispering things in her ear, and she is smiling and blushing. He's gently rubbing her shoulder...

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the Senior Special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress...

Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered. For instance, if I have all...

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He...

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and...

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

A new motto for thinking institutions ... We do precision guesswork.

A muscular young man at the construction site bragged that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. After several minutes, an older (and wiser) worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" said the older fellow. "I bet a week's wages that I can haul something...

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can not find them.

A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it. "Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No I can't," the captain replied...

Thanks everyone for the good wishes. There is a lot of practical stuff to do as we both have houses full of stuff - I have been here for 30 years and have not really thrown out a great deal. So a lot of sorting and making space in Shelagh's house: so down in the workshop area - which is about...

Apologies for not being around for a little while. I got my new computer which resolved certain problems but then my relationship with my girl friend Shelagh has developed and I am now able to post the following image which I think says it all ,..

Why is it that brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.

Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!" "That's great, Son!" said his daddy. "Come into the living room and tell me about it," Daddy continued. Little Johnny said, "Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20...