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Just opened my Electric bill and my Water bill at the same time. I was completely shocked.

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy.

I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Fed up with my poor attempts at DIY, my wife used to say "Duct tape doesn't fix everything you know!" Then she says "mmfff nnmmm nnnmm fffmmm mmmm!"

A man and his blonde girlfriend were sitting in a pub watching the Tour-de France on TV. The blonde shook her head and asked, "Why do they do that?" "Do what?" asked the man. "Go on them bikes for miles, up and down the hills, round the bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if...

Anyone saying "Love is more important than money" have clearly never tried paying off a loanshark with a hug.

Thank you so much everyone for your birthday wishes. I've had a great day thanks to my lovely wife Adrienne. I hope this isn't my last birthday,but if it is it's been a good one, xx

It's going to be awkward if Mr and Mrs Burr ever lose their son Tim in a forest.

Do you know what makes me cross? Lollipop ladies

A coach driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is...

I was working in Asda when a customer with a loaf of bread in his hand asked me, "Excuse me, could somebody cut this in slices for me?" Apparently, saying "Your wife" can get you sacked.

I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

When it came to getting even with my local bus company, I pulled out all the stops

I went downstairs this morning and there was a letter on the mat saying "To The Occupier". So I forwarded it to Russia.

Went to the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise the barber gave me a cushion to sit on.

I sure the wife doesn't like me. When I was having a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I went to the doctors today and said, "My leg keeps talking to me and asking me to lend it money." The doctor replied, "I think your leg is broke."

I went to the doctor today and said, "Every time I close my eyes I see pink striped tigers." "Have you seen a psychiatrist?" he asked. "No," I replied, "just pink striped tigers."

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died surrounded by his family

If you're always organising things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.