Search results

I wanted to make a rectangular coffee table today but I ended up making a circular one in half the time. I cut a few corners.

I got pulled over by a female police officer. When i rolled down my window to ask what was wrong,she said... "NOTHING!"

Decided to learn some French to get into the spirit of things. Today I learned hors d'oeuvres....... and that was just for starters.

People say gambling ruins lives but it's brought our family closer. We had to move to a 1 bedroom flat.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!.I hope you have a great day.

Breaking news "thief steals combine harvester, is bailed"

My mate asked me, 'Have you met my vegetarian girl friend?' I said 'Nah, I've never met herbivore'.

The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?" "Yes please," I smiled. "Today is special," he replied, then walked off.

There's no pleasing my wife sometimes. She's just spent the last 3 hours telling me that we never talk.

I gave up baking after i made a 10 foot tall cake. I thought to myself, "I can't top that."

Just to let everyone know,I still feel great and no different from before I heard the news. I have some darker moments when every little pain is magnified and my mind wanders to horrible places,but other than that I still feel pretty chipper. x

I'm not saying my wife is computer illiterate, but when I asked her to book mark a webpage for me, I found my laptop shut with a gas bill sticking out of the side...

"The Nutella in the fridge is rock hard," complained my wife, "Can you please spread it for me?" "Sure." I replied, knocking next door, "The Nutella in our fridge is rock hard!"

What do you call a girl who keeps disappearing? Heidi.

The bloke who installed my new kitchen worktop got arrested for counter fitting..

My mate reckons his wife is getting fat He says she keeps getting the car door trapped in her fingers.

Are Viagra jokes classed as stand-up comedy?

When was the last time you really laughed out loud?

I went to the doctor's yesterday. "Doctor, I've got this awful pain", I said, "I've had it for a while but I can't put up with it anymore, you need to give me something to get rid of it." "Okay", says the doctor,"I'm sure we can sort something out, where exactly is this pain?" "In the waiting...

A blonde went for an interview and the boss said, "You're the perfect candidate for the job. You can name your own salary." She now has a salary called Fred.