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Never mind water !!!!!... Q. "Why are fish slimy ?." A. "It's in their glands.....it's a question of natural secretion"..............................................SO NOW YOU KNOW !!!!!. X!

Talking of concerts.....guess who has got Oasis tickets for the Saturday at Heaton Park ???......your favourite bitter and twisted Scouser !!!...£160 !!!. X!

The suit !!!!.....it's too small !!!!.....he will just have to get a new suit !!!....AND it's a three piece suit !!!...he only wears them for "ower Glenda's weddin'" and the INFREQUEST shopping trips to Huddersfield with Edie !!!

An absolutely perfect response my Gaelic brother [my Dad is from Mayo !!!].... It was genuine love...genuine respect...genuine trust....traits from a former era...although so different they were two halves of the same whole... it is a unique and truly beautiful end to a beautiful relationship. X!

One of the worst things I EVER did was to read about the REAL people behind our favourite trio !!!......the conflicts between Brian and Bill......and Peter ever the peacemaker..... It broke my heart [and my dream ] that the three did not get on and love each other as they did in our favourite...

An ABSOLUTELY OUTSTANDING episode....from beginning to end !!!......the ever excellent Brian AND the first appearance of "OUR CRUSHER"....with those immortal words BOOMING from beneath Ivy's counter......."I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

YORKSHIRE CHIC !!!!....and not a curler in sight !!!!. X!

That amazing Wirral band "HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT" once proclaimed in their song..."JOHN KETTLEY IS A WEATHERMAN"......and continued in their ditty with " and so is Michael Fish.....and so is Wincy Willis !!!". X!

A simple message to those in power.....and those who reside in "our town".......ALWAYS LOOK TO THE FUTURE........BUT NEVER FORGET THE PAST !!!!. X!

Talk about bitter and twisted !!!.....they used to sell BLUE TOMATO KETCHUP in the Everton club shop !!!!......a fact that I have no issue with !!!!...hence my name !!!!. X!

Brannigans roast beef and mustard !!!!...in the brown paper bag.......AND....Worcester Sauce flavoured Twiglets.....[now unavailable...BOO HOO]....they were that strong they took a layer of skin off your tongue and the roof of your mouth....I think the reason they were discontinued is because of...

The footy's back !!!!!....another 9 months of lows and lowers !!!..... Another 9 months of not reading the Sunday papers and not watching match of the day,or Sky Sprts News...... Another 9 months of "drinking to forget" post match......in a pub full of like minded fools !!!..... Another 9 months...

Amos...Kent must be the only place on earth with aggressive pigeons !!!!.....PIGEONS WITH ATTITUDE !!!!!!!. X!

I am in the Marina camp were pigeons are concerned......."I LIKE PIGEONS.......PROUD LITTLE STRUTTING THINGS !!!!!". X!

What saddens me is the 360 degree u turn certain residents of our favourite town seem to have taken against our programme......I feel that many want to eradicate the memory of the very thing that makes Holmfirth such a vibrant happy Town..... Our younger generation [and many older residents I...

And talking of scones and for all you lovers of one of the finest comedy series EVER !!!!...."STILL GAME".....remember Tam.....he won the competition with the immortal phrase....."SSSSCONE".....which is Glaswegian for "IT'S GONE".....remember Jack and Victor's faces when they realised it was...

Gothic !!!!...you have morphed into the "man with steel fingers" !!!......you sound like our favourite silent killer !!!!....did you have a "GILLIAN" at the Leek camp like Foggy did at Catterick ????????? X!

EVERYONE knows the reason the cafe opened late !!!!.....it was because Sid always offered to do "the late" shift solo....this enabled him to smuggle in his "friend" THE BUS CONDUCTRESS !!!!........ His only worry was that next morning Ivy would be inspecting all the sandwiches... the pies and...

Amos....if you pick the the Vanilla Slice you will be getting it in a BAG NOT A BOX!!!!.... because where do you think you are ?????....HARRODS !!!!!...whereas if you pick the Eclair you are guaranteed a biiiiiiig hug off Glenda......just don't call her "BRENDA" !!! or you might be wearing it...

Barry..The Brazen Head is in the Gorbals area of Glasgow.....it is STAUNCH Republican and is known as the most famous Celtic bar in the world !!!. It is an amazing place.....but very pro Irish.....anti British. A lot of people from my City say "Scouse not English".....and Scousers seem to be...