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After a fire at my Sesame Street themed puppet shop half of my stock has been damaged. I'm suing the culprit for loss of Ernie's.

I've always been painfully shy.It has always held me back. I have never been to a concert or even a theatre. I once met Billy Bremner and Nobby Stiles,2 'soccer' players from the 60's - 70's. I wish I could have met John Wayne,Bruce Lee and George Best.

I've enjoyed it Darren.It has helped take my mind off other things.

I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction But it's not hard.

Unfortunately no Terry,it would have been nice.Mind as a very shy person I would have been to embarrassed to approach them.

My wife came up to me this morning all upset and said, "Oh I feel so ugly these days, my skin is wrinkled, my hips are too big, my boobs are saggy and my bum is huge, pay me a compliment!" "Your eye sights spot on love" I replied.

"Your driving is awful," I said to my wife this morning. "It would help if you told me where I should be going!" she yelled, "Do I go left at this roundabout, or do I go right???" "Do a left," I replied calmly, "Then do a right between the swings and the slide."

Sorry I don't want to offend anyone but this made me smile; "My son came downstairs puffy eyed this morning." "Lack of sleep?" "Nah, too much eyeshadow."

My friend said, "You've got a strange lump on your shoulder" "It must be the steroids I'm on", I replied, "I've grown a penis on my back" "Anabolic?", he asked "No, just a penis"

-Excuse me sir, could I ask you for a minute of your time please to talk to you about the conflict in the Ukraine? -No sorry I'm rushin'

I'm afraid not,the consultant says my lungs are so bad with emphysema they couldn't risk treatment in case they made them worse.

Bad news I'm afraid .I've been diagnosed with lung cancer

A cannibal walks into a Greggs... "...Two Cornish Posties, please."

Two Unicorns were on Noah's Ark when one said to the other, "Hi, I'm George." The other replies, "Pleased to meet you George, I'm Arthur."

My wife was complaining that it was too dark in the kitchen so I told her to turn the light on. I'm full of bright ideas.

Excellent!!!

"My son nearly died in the 'hood." "Was it gang related?" "Nah, the dopey sod nearly suffocated when he put his anorak on the wrong way round."

I was stood on the scales at the doctors' surgery earlier. "You could do with losing some weight." he said. "What's the quickest way, doc?" I asked. "Well you could start by putting that kebab down."

I must admit I'm a little scare.I was due to see my consultant on the 9th June but now he wants to see me next Friday. I'm doing the Rehab,I've had blood tests,chest scan and ultra sound scan and I'm hoping there are no little shocks waiting for me.

We played darts at the same pub way back in 1979.Best thing that ever happened to me.