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To anyone that might be interested but were a bit uncomfortable about asking, I am feeling brilliant.I don't feel any different to how I felt before I was told I had lung cancer. Actually that's not quit right because now I have less time than I thought I had,I'm enjoying life more,and those...

I saw a woman walking towards the door, so i opened it for her to be nice. Instead of thanking me, she and everyone else on the plane started screaming.

My kids are always accusing me of having a 'favourite child' Which is ridiculous... Because I don't really like any of them.

I've just watched 'Happy Anniversary Gough and Jessie' and was wondering if Nora had her hat on back to front. I've noticed her hats nearly always appear to be on like that.

Since the tube strike, there have been smarties everywhere

I woke up this morning and decided to jump in the shower After half an hour, I thought, "I'd better turn it on, all this jumping has made me sweaty."

My father was a very skilled joiner, so naturally, I followed in his footsteps. Between us we've got eighteen gym memberships and thirty two library cards.

I rang Parcelforce to ask when my parcel was going to be delivered. True to form, the guy told me: "12 months time mate." I replied "Morning or Afternoon?" "Does it really matter?" He replied. "Yes," I said. "I've got the plummer coming in the morning."

I shaved my head today. So he expelled me.

Eli Woods died on Thursday. Always enjoyed his appearances with Jim Casey as drunks.

A man broke into a church and threw domestos over the vicar. He's been charged with bleach of the priest.

I used to like cooking meals over the Xmas period to give Ade a break.I always used to enjoy making casseroles.Now I can't manage that anymore I insist on washing the dishes every day.

I've been trying to work out at the gym. Trying to work out what the hell I'm doing there.

Whenever I'm tired,I always pull over and take a half hour nap,just to be on the safe side. I think it's also fair to say,I'm not the most popular bus driver in town.

I wear the trousers in this house,but Ade tells me which ones to wear

It's quite simple really.....I like my head on my shoulders.(and that's not a shampoo)

She is sitting here with me and says she has moulded me into the way she likes me so I haven't really got any. Her words not mine

I've got a massive fear for the lift button in our hotel reception and I don't know why. Just can't put my finger on it.

Ironing done. Hoovering done. Washing done. Dusting done. Kids bathed. Kids in bed. Perfect! Now I can leave the pub and go home.

I knew my position as chief exhibitionist at the art gallery was in jeopardy when the curator told me to put some clothes on.