Moggie Moo
Dedicated Member
Episode 2
SID AND IVY DO THE TURKEY TROT AS BLAMIRE ADJUSTS HIS HORIZONTAL HOLD
Ivy had shown him to his room and given him his own personal key."Thanks Ivy, your a proper treasure. Sids a very lucky man." said Compo." Your right there. He's lucky he had me to get him out of those scrapes you barmpots got him into. Right breakfast is at eight thirty in the small back room, we call it the snug. Dress is casual but I shouldn't think that would effect you. Goodnight." she said stringently. It was just after midnight on Christmas Eve when Compo got into bed. He looked around the room as he lay there. Ivy had bought some things of his from Aunty Wainrights after he left for his big trip to the other side of the portal. There was the old alarm clock that he had never used, His razor and five blades, a Ferret Keepers Handbook, Uncle Bills old petrol lighter and that old brass heavy screw top ashtray Bill had brought back from Trincomalee back in 1920 after he left the Navy. Compo had grown up with that ashtray, the engraved pattern on the top always intregued him with thoughts of mysterious places in the orient. He looked to his left as Rosey his ferret snuggled herself between his shoulder and neck to sleep. He smiled "come on lass settle down". With that he turned off his bedside lamp and drifted off. He dreamt he was on a ship and someone was trying to screw down the port hole, he awoke suddenly glancing at the clock. It was eight O'clock. Better get up he thought. At that moment he noticed a Christmas present on the chair by the wash stand. Somebody must have sneeked in during the night, but who, he wondered. The label read, 'To Compo from Nora and Wally xx'. He opened the package like any other child on Christmas morning, ravaging off the wrapping, spilling the contents on the floor. He laughed looking at the white combination underwear and two pairs of woolly socks. "Nora you little minx" he chuckled. He washed and scraped his face, shivering into the towel as he dried himself. He put on his new underwear, dressed, and combed his hair. He opened his bedroom door and went to find the snug. Nora and Wally were already up. They had eaten and Wally was up looking out of the window. "Hey up You two, thanks for the coms and compliments of the season" salutated Compo." Its no fuss Compo" drawled Walley without turning from the window, " Its the least a mate can do at this time of the year, especially as there's six inch of snow this morning" added Wally. " A white Christmas! I should've had a bet on " laughed Compo. "It will be a white Christmas now, for what colours we could see through those holey trouser is nobodies buisness." remarked Nora as she took a sip of her tea. Ivy popped her head around the door saying " Oh its up, one egg or two?" " Two please Ivy " replied Compo. " Blimey it has got manners. Sid! " she shrieked " He wants two." With that she put some more coal on the fire saying " the forecast said its in for the day." Then she returned to the kitchen. Wally came and sat at the table set for three. He said to Nora " put those bread crusts in a bag I'll feed them to the pidgeons after. There'll be nowt for them to day with all this snow." She looked at him and tutted, "Is that all you think about blumming birds" " Well there still Gods creatures" scoffed Walley. " You could have mine Wally but its a shame to waste this egg yolk" said Compo mopping up the yolk off his plate. " Nay lad you eat it, I think you'll be needing all your energy today" he laughed. " there's two elves with two great big sacks trying to walk up the alley, they'll be coming for you" laughed Wally. He was right, Compo went to the window and exclaimed "its Cyril and Norm, what a pair of dollops." He went to open the cafe door to greet them. Laughing he said" what the flaming eck are you two Herbets up to, come on in its blinking freezing" " You would be surprised how fortified you feel after a tot of rum, especially the size of tot Blamire the green pours." Chirped Cleggy. "Shut your clacking and get these sacks inside" Ordered Blamire holding a cig between his lips. Their cheeks were glowing red with the cold, Blamire wore his trilby and Cleggy had on his flat cap. They were dressed in quilted green wool jackets, and tight green trouser which enhanced both pairs of knobbly knees. The red ruff around their necks providing some more insulation against the cold. A broad black belt and a pair of wellingtons for each of them completed their outfits. When Compo looked more closely he saw they had green scull cap bonnets under their hats to keep their ears warm. " Chuff me, whats this all in aid of then" he asked. " Come on my little scruff bag get your suit on." Ordered Blamire. " I haven't got a suit." retaliated Compo. " You have now" They both beamed their red faces at him as Blamire pulled out a Santa suit from one of the sacks. " You get to play Santa, the suit will go with your boots." laughed Cleggy. A few minutes later they had him dressed, beard and all ready to leave. Sid came out of the kitchen exclaiming, " Bloody hell we only need the reindeers and slay and it'll look like a mullock at Bradford Pantomime, come on lads clear the door, I've got Mr Boggis delivering the turkey any minute now." " Well before we go men, we had better partake in a drop of 'Woods 100 proof', just to fortify our souls for the journey up the hill to Digley House, after all it is Christmas and the little children will be expecting us" toasted Blamire passing the bottle around. They used the suit sack to split the other two so they had a sack each. With the sacks over their shoulders they started off up the alley." Hi Ho, Hi ho " they sang as they slipped and slid to the main road. Once on the main road it was obvious that they would not be going far as it was now about six to eight inches deep. " Come on men I have a plan" said Blamire as he took them up Bateson Street. They stopped at number five." Wait here one moment" he ordered and proceeded to knock on the door of number five. Compo and Cleggy looked on in amazement, there eyes glazed from the 100 proof. Blamire was invited in. Compo and Cleggy looked at each other. After a couple of minutes the door opened and out came Blamire closely follow by Foggy Dewhurst still putting his army great coat on. " I' am supposed to be at church parade Mr Blamire" pleaded Foggy. " Nonsense my lad , this is Gods work too, your skills are need for things of the upper most importance, lead the way" domineered Blamire. Two elves and a Santa followed Foggy around the back of the street to the council yard. " Right where's the snow plough" said Blamire, " its in the shed" replied Foggy. " Get the key lets get mobile" Demanded Blamire. " I've only driven it once" Said Foggy. " No matter lad its like riding a bike, you never forget," quipped Blamire. Cleggy looked at Compo and said " I think he meant like falling off a bike, but you've got to admire Foggy's courage in the face of duty on his day off," chuckling to each other. Foggy climbed up into the cab and Blamire sat beside him. He started up the engine,turning to Blamire saying " Well here goes", as he put the truck into gear and moved it forward out of the shed. " Come on you two jump in the back and throw out sum sand as we go along" Ordered Blamire. " Blimey we come out for a day of elving and end up playing a Sandman in the back of a lorry" said Cleggy, to which Compo replied " I would rather have been thrown out of the pub." Foggy lowered the plough as they drove along clearing the road as they went. As they reached the top of Digley Hill and rounded the bend there in the distance in front of them was a Butchers Van." Is it Boggis's turkey van?" asked Blamire. "I can just make out the name" said Foggy, "it says, J. Jones Family Butcher, waited on daily. It looks like there are some soldiers around it. I haven't heard of any exercises today." he queried. As they approached they could see the soldiers milling about in some sort of panic. As they drew to a halt Blamire got out of the cab and approached the sargeant, " Can we be of any assistance" Said Blamire, as the sargeant turned around to face him and was taken aback to see he was about to talk to an elf. " Hello, erm, erm, quite possibly. Are you from this er, portal" said the sargeant inquisitively. " Yes we are, Cyril Blamire is the name." He replied offering his hand. " Would you mind awfully just waiting here and I will get my Captain" said the sargeant. Blamire was surprised by the sargeants politeness, not the sort he had been used to. The sargeant approached his Captain who was sat in the front cab reading a manual and said " Oh Sir, Sir there's a Mr Blamire the elf here, he may be able to help, would you care to talk with him." The Captain looked up from his manual, " What, an elf er yes." Then he realised what the sargeant had said, quickly responding, " What! an elf called Blamire, I hope this is not one of your practicle jokes Wilson, I am not in the mood today." " No Sir, he's stood at the back with another elf and Father Christmas." Smiled sargeant Wilson. A rage came over the Captains face which redend so much Wilson thought he was going to explode." Now calm down Sir its true." he chuckled. The Captain slipped and slid to the back of the van followed by Wilson and a corporal. When he saw the two elves and a Father Christmas he tried to stop himself but he slipped backwards on to his back. Blamire stood over him saying, " Merry Christmas can we be of any assistance." The captain replied sheepishly " Er, em, perhaps". Then he shouted " Wilson, corporal Jones, get me up!" Once he was up the Captain shook hands with Blamire and introduced himself, " I'm Captain Mainwaring Home Guard, Walmington on Sea, this is sargeant Wilson and this is corporal Jones. You say you can help?" With that he took Blamire to one side and asked " Do you have security clearance?" Twirling his moustache Blamire replied, " We may be able to help if we knew what the problem was and yes we all have security clearance except the lad in the Terrors. He is of the time which is 1938." The Captain pulled Blamire even further to one side and in a low voice he said, " Its rather embarassing really, my corporal, who is usually very efficient when it comes to the transport issues of the platoon, did not charge the electromagnetic pulse stimulator. So the low frequency light didn't perturbate in the perturbation box. It caused the brass rotating module to burn out and disintergrate. Are you with me," asked the Captain. Glazed eyed Blamire replied " Yes of course." The Captain continued," We were in the vacinity of the 1941 portal when it blew and it landed us here disabling your portals too. 1938 you say?" " Thats correct sir " muttered Blamire. " Yorkshire" he reassured himself. " So what you need is a lump of brass with hole in to create a module." asserted Blamire. " That won't be easy on Christmas day" replied the Captain. They both cupped their chins to think. " A lump of brass with a hole in it" squawked Compo. " Have you been eavesdropping you little monkey" reprimanded Blamire. " Listen Elsie I happen to have very good hearing, and I have a piece of brass back at the cafe." replied Compo."Can he go fetch it" enthused the Captain. " Let me go Captain Mainwaring, let me go." gushed Corporal Jones." Don't be stupid Jones you don't know where to go" said Captain Mainwaring. Foggy shouted to Compo from the snow plough," That man there, come on we've no time to lose", as he started up the engine. Compo jumped up into the cab and off they went back down the hill. " This is better than church parade" gasped the excited Foggy as they sped down the hill." Aye just make sure you can stop this thing when we get there." gulped Compo.
Back at Jones's van Cleggy chatted to corporal Jones, " Tell me corporal, hows the war going, have you been invaded yet?" Jones replied dispondently, " To tell you the truth I don't think the Bosh will come, what gets me is the food shortages. It doesn't matter how good the Royal Navy is at protecting our merchant ships, you can't get a good piece of cheese. Bits of beef and pork I can scurry away for myself and friends but when it comes down to it, you cant beat a nice toasted cheese supper." Cleggy laughed and said " It makes you wonder why the ministry didn't prioritise cheese and tea to boost moral." " Only 2 oz of each but as many carrots as you can eat, they say they improve your eyesight, but my mincers don't seem any better. I have to use my torch in the blackout, then I'm in trouble with that warden Hodges. He's got loads of carrots, I am surprised he hasn't turned yellow, and he's a green grocer" laughed corporal Jones.
After twenty minutes they could hear the returning snow plough and with in minutes it was parked alongside the butchers van. " Here you are," winced Compo shaking his arm as he handed over his brass ashtray " Flipping static on that cab door, its worse than a dog bite." he embellished. " Speaking of dog bites, is that what's happened to his trouser." Enquired Captain Mainwaring. " No! he's just a scruffy Herbet, his whole families the same, you can't take them anywhere." Blazed Blamire, embarrassed by Compo's attire. " Those Santa trouser were brand new this morning" stated Blamire. " I caught them on the tailgate when you had us shoveling sand, you twallock." argued Compo. "Never mind that now, lets get this thing fixed." Said the Captain, calling Jones over.
Jones took the brass ashtray and said" Blimey sir, this looks just about the right size. If it will fit on the stimulator spigot we may have cracked it. I don't mean a cracked spigot sir, I mean cracked the problem." bumbled Jones. " I know what you mean, come on Jones get on with it. The longer we are here the more chance Hitler has to launch his attack at our undefended section of coast." pleaded Captain Mainwaring. It took Jones about fifteen minutes to insert the ashtray then they were ready to go. The three soldiers sat in the butchers van cab." Once we get through our portal to 1941, yours should be reset." Said Captain Mainwaring reassuringly as he offered his handshake. Blamire took the captains hand, as Jones started up the van. Nothing it was dead, " Don't panic Captain Mainwaring, don't panic, I' ll try again." shouted Jones. He tried again. Nothing it was silent. " Excuse me Sir" intervened Wilson, who was looking at the manual. " It says recharge the stimulator with an extremely low frequency charge." he explained." And just how do we do that then" snapped Mainwaring. "It's occurred to me that extremely low frequency is referred to in technical terms as ELF." said sargeant Wilson." Whats the point Wilson" replied the Captain. " You see sir, we have not one elf but two elves, double the power." Wilson tried to explain." I don't get it Wilson." replied a blank faced Captain. "Let me explain sir, the elves join hands, you in turn join hands with them forming a link, then with the finger of your other hand you touch the stimulator. Jones turns on the engine and at that precise moment the first elf touches the already running snow plough with his free hand. Then the low frequency static passes from the snow plough to the stimulator through your bodies, recharging the electromagnetic pulser."The Captain looked at Wilson, straight faced and said " I wondered how long it would take you to spot that, come on lets get organised." Foggy started up the snow plough and kept the revs up. Cleggy took hold of Blamires left hand, who inturn took hold of the Captains left hand. The Captain touched the stimulator with his forefinger. He nodded to Cleggy to touch the snow plough and Jones to turn the starter on the van. Cleggy touched the door of the snow plough cab, then instantly he felt a tingle surge up his arm. He closed his eyes in anticipation as Foggy applied more revs to the snow plough engine. Sparks of white light shot up Cleggy's arm, He turned and looked to his right. Blamire was stood to attention his body was covered in lightening bolts, the snow around him was melting, his eyes were half closed trying to stop his eye balls from shooting out as his teeth shook and glowed with an electrical discharge below his twirled almost singed moustache. The captain's hat was smoking as he shook in his seat with lightening bolts zapping into the pertubation box. Then the engine started up. " We've done it , we've done it my brave captain." yelled Jones. They all released their grip as Captain Mainwaring praised their efforts, Still shaking he removed his hat to stop it smouldering. Wandering in a daze in a puddle of melted snow with the odd spark flitting around his head Blamire could only manage a glazed stare of bewilderment as he nodded yes, whilst Cleggy was teasing Compo with a spark he could not extinguish." Give over Norm, you'll have my beard on fire in a minute" shouted Compo as he climbed on to the back of the plough. Cleggy put out the spark and asked Compo to pass him the small sack down. He took a small package out of the sack and went over to Jones at the van. " Here you are my friend a little something for a toasted supper, all the way from Wensleydale" said Cleggy as he offered up the package to Jones." Thank you young man. I hope your friend will be ok" replied Jones. Looking at Blamire, Cleggy laughed "he'll be fine, he often gets in that state on a Saturday night down at the White Horse". They all laughed and as they drove off, Captain Mainwaring saluted Cleggy. There was a flash and a last zapp of energy as the van disappeared.
Cleggy collected Blamire and sat him on the running board of the snow plough. Compo jumped down off the back and approached them chuckling " Give him a drop of the old Nelson's, that'll sort his reception. I used to bang the top of me telly when I got electrical interference but that messed up me horizontal hold." Cleggy got the bottle of 100 proof out of Blamires secret pocket and administered it to his lips. Foggy sitting in the cab jeered, " Can I have a swig, all this excitement has worked up a thirst." Blamire retorted quickly," Your too young, besides your driving." "Blimey it must be good stuff that Woods. That rum on the Victory didn't revive Nelson." scoffed Compo. They all laughed and passed the bottle around. Blamire stood up and climbed up into the cab, as Cleggy and Compo resumed sanding duties. They drove a further mile up to Digley House. As they walked through the gates with the sacks over their shoulders, they could hear the children singing,'O come all ye faithfull'. " By ek! they are expecting us" laughed Compo. Blamire said " I think we will have to make this a fleeting visit. You know what Ivy will be like if we are late for dinner." " Oh I don't think we need worry." replied Compo. " How come?" inquired Cleggy. " When I went back to the cafe for the ashtray, Mr Boggis had delivered the turkey and Sid was chasing it around the cafe with a chopper, when I walked in the turkey got out and I last saw Sid running up the highstreet with Ivy and tray in close persuit." chuckled Compo. Cleggy laughed out loud saying " In that case we can get to the White Horse for last orders." Blamire coughed, " Thats the best idea I've heard all day, and I think Foggy deserves a shandy. Of course there will have to be some arrangement as to who is paying." Foggy who was following them chirped up, " I'll get the first round in Mr Blamire." With that they all shouted "Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas," greeted by shouts of "Hooray Hooray" from the children and staff as they walked inside.
SID AND IVY DO THE TURKEY TROT AS BLAMIRE ADJUSTS HIS HORIZONTAL HOLD
Ivy had shown him to his room and given him his own personal key."Thanks Ivy, your a proper treasure. Sids a very lucky man." said Compo." Your right there. He's lucky he had me to get him out of those scrapes you barmpots got him into. Right breakfast is at eight thirty in the small back room, we call it the snug. Dress is casual but I shouldn't think that would effect you. Goodnight." she said stringently. It was just after midnight on Christmas Eve when Compo got into bed. He looked around the room as he lay there. Ivy had bought some things of his from Aunty Wainrights after he left for his big trip to the other side of the portal. There was the old alarm clock that he had never used, His razor and five blades, a Ferret Keepers Handbook, Uncle Bills old petrol lighter and that old brass heavy screw top ashtray Bill had brought back from Trincomalee back in 1920 after he left the Navy. Compo had grown up with that ashtray, the engraved pattern on the top always intregued him with thoughts of mysterious places in the orient. He looked to his left as Rosey his ferret snuggled herself between his shoulder and neck to sleep. He smiled "come on lass settle down". With that he turned off his bedside lamp and drifted off. He dreamt he was on a ship and someone was trying to screw down the port hole, he awoke suddenly glancing at the clock. It was eight O'clock. Better get up he thought. At that moment he noticed a Christmas present on the chair by the wash stand. Somebody must have sneeked in during the night, but who, he wondered. The label read, 'To Compo from Nora and Wally xx'. He opened the package like any other child on Christmas morning, ravaging off the wrapping, spilling the contents on the floor. He laughed looking at the white combination underwear and two pairs of woolly socks. "Nora you little minx" he chuckled. He washed and scraped his face, shivering into the towel as he dried himself. He put on his new underwear, dressed, and combed his hair. He opened his bedroom door and went to find the snug. Nora and Wally were already up. They had eaten and Wally was up looking out of the window. "Hey up You two, thanks for the coms and compliments of the season" salutated Compo." Its no fuss Compo" drawled Walley without turning from the window, " Its the least a mate can do at this time of the year, especially as there's six inch of snow this morning" added Wally. " A white Christmas! I should've had a bet on " laughed Compo. "It will be a white Christmas now, for what colours we could see through those holey trouser is nobodies buisness." remarked Nora as she took a sip of her tea. Ivy popped her head around the door saying " Oh its up, one egg or two?" " Two please Ivy " replied Compo. " Blimey it has got manners. Sid! " she shrieked " He wants two." With that she put some more coal on the fire saying " the forecast said its in for the day." Then she returned to the kitchen. Wally came and sat at the table set for three. He said to Nora " put those bread crusts in a bag I'll feed them to the pidgeons after. There'll be nowt for them to day with all this snow." She looked at him and tutted, "Is that all you think about blumming birds" " Well there still Gods creatures" scoffed Walley. " You could have mine Wally but its a shame to waste this egg yolk" said Compo mopping up the yolk off his plate. " Nay lad you eat it, I think you'll be needing all your energy today" he laughed. " there's two elves with two great big sacks trying to walk up the alley, they'll be coming for you" laughed Wally. He was right, Compo went to the window and exclaimed "its Cyril and Norm, what a pair of dollops." He went to open the cafe door to greet them. Laughing he said" what the flaming eck are you two Herbets up to, come on in its blinking freezing" " You would be surprised how fortified you feel after a tot of rum, especially the size of tot Blamire the green pours." Chirped Cleggy. "Shut your clacking and get these sacks inside" Ordered Blamire holding a cig between his lips. Their cheeks were glowing red with the cold, Blamire wore his trilby and Cleggy had on his flat cap. They were dressed in quilted green wool jackets, and tight green trouser which enhanced both pairs of knobbly knees. The red ruff around their necks providing some more insulation against the cold. A broad black belt and a pair of wellingtons for each of them completed their outfits. When Compo looked more closely he saw they had green scull cap bonnets under their hats to keep their ears warm. " Chuff me, whats this all in aid of then" he asked. " Come on my little scruff bag get your suit on." Ordered Blamire. " I haven't got a suit." retaliated Compo. " You have now" They both beamed their red faces at him as Blamire pulled out a Santa suit from one of the sacks. " You get to play Santa, the suit will go with your boots." laughed Cleggy. A few minutes later they had him dressed, beard and all ready to leave. Sid came out of the kitchen exclaiming, " Bloody hell we only need the reindeers and slay and it'll look like a mullock at Bradford Pantomime, come on lads clear the door, I've got Mr Boggis delivering the turkey any minute now." " Well before we go men, we had better partake in a drop of 'Woods 100 proof', just to fortify our souls for the journey up the hill to Digley House, after all it is Christmas and the little children will be expecting us" toasted Blamire passing the bottle around. They used the suit sack to split the other two so they had a sack each. With the sacks over their shoulders they started off up the alley." Hi Ho, Hi ho " they sang as they slipped and slid to the main road. Once on the main road it was obvious that they would not be going far as it was now about six to eight inches deep. " Come on men I have a plan" said Blamire as he took them up Bateson Street. They stopped at number five." Wait here one moment" he ordered and proceeded to knock on the door of number five. Compo and Cleggy looked on in amazement, there eyes glazed from the 100 proof. Blamire was invited in. Compo and Cleggy looked at each other. After a couple of minutes the door opened and out came Blamire closely follow by Foggy Dewhurst still putting his army great coat on. " I' am supposed to be at church parade Mr Blamire" pleaded Foggy. " Nonsense my lad , this is Gods work too, your skills are need for things of the upper most importance, lead the way" domineered Blamire. Two elves and a Santa followed Foggy around the back of the street to the council yard. " Right where's the snow plough" said Blamire, " its in the shed" replied Foggy. " Get the key lets get mobile" Demanded Blamire. " I've only driven it once" Said Foggy. " No matter lad its like riding a bike, you never forget," quipped Blamire. Cleggy looked at Compo and said " I think he meant like falling off a bike, but you've got to admire Foggy's courage in the face of duty on his day off," chuckling to each other. Foggy climbed up into the cab and Blamire sat beside him. He started up the engine,turning to Blamire saying " Well here goes", as he put the truck into gear and moved it forward out of the shed. " Come on you two jump in the back and throw out sum sand as we go along" Ordered Blamire. " Blimey we come out for a day of elving and end up playing a Sandman in the back of a lorry" said Cleggy, to which Compo replied " I would rather have been thrown out of the pub." Foggy lowered the plough as they drove along clearing the road as they went. As they reached the top of Digley Hill and rounded the bend there in the distance in front of them was a Butchers Van." Is it Boggis's turkey van?" asked Blamire. "I can just make out the name" said Foggy, "it says, J. Jones Family Butcher, waited on daily. It looks like there are some soldiers around it. I haven't heard of any exercises today." he queried. As they approached they could see the soldiers milling about in some sort of panic. As they drew to a halt Blamire got out of the cab and approached the sargeant, " Can we be of any assistance" Said Blamire, as the sargeant turned around to face him and was taken aback to see he was about to talk to an elf. " Hello, erm, erm, quite possibly. Are you from this er, portal" said the sargeant inquisitively. " Yes we are, Cyril Blamire is the name." He replied offering his hand. " Would you mind awfully just waiting here and I will get my Captain" said the sargeant. Blamire was surprised by the sargeants politeness, not the sort he had been used to. The sargeant approached his Captain who was sat in the front cab reading a manual and said " Oh Sir, Sir there's a Mr Blamire the elf here, he may be able to help, would you care to talk with him." The Captain looked up from his manual, " What, an elf er yes." Then he realised what the sargeant had said, quickly responding, " What! an elf called Blamire, I hope this is not one of your practicle jokes Wilson, I am not in the mood today." " No Sir, he's stood at the back with another elf and Father Christmas." Smiled sargeant Wilson. A rage came over the Captains face which redend so much Wilson thought he was going to explode." Now calm down Sir its true." he chuckled. The Captain slipped and slid to the back of the van followed by Wilson and a corporal. When he saw the two elves and a Father Christmas he tried to stop himself but he slipped backwards on to his back. Blamire stood over him saying, " Merry Christmas can we be of any assistance." The captain replied sheepishly " Er, em, perhaps". Then he shouted " Wilson, corporal Jones, get me up!" Once he was up the Captain shook hands with Blamire and introduced himself, " I'm Captain Mainwaring Home Guard, Walmington on Sea, this is sargeant Wilson and this is corporal Jones. You say you can help?" With that he took Blamire to one side and asked " Do you have security clearance?" Twirling his moustache Blamire replied, " We may be able to help if we knew what the problem was and yes we all have security clearance except the lad in the Terrors. He is of the time which is 1938." The Captain pulled Blamire even further to one side and in a low voice he said, " Its rather embarassing really, my corporal, who is usually very efficient when it comes to the transport issues of the platoon, did not charge the electromagnetic pulse stimulator. So the low frequency light didn't perturbate in the perturbation box. It caused the brass rotating module to burn out and disintergrate. Are you with me," asked the Captain. Glazed eyed Blamire replied " Yes of course." The Captain continued," We were in the vacinity of the 1941 portal when it blew and it landed us here disabling your portals too. 1938 you say?" " Thats correct sir " muttered Blamire. " Yorkshire" he reassured himself. " So what you need is a lump of brass with hole in to create a module." asserted Blamire. " That won't be easy on Christmas day" replied the Captain. They both cupped their chins to think. " A lump of brass with a hole in it" squawked Compo. " Have you been eavesdropping you little monkey" reprimanded Blamire. " Listen Elsie I happen to have very good hearing, and I have a piece of brass back at the cafe." replied Compo."Can he go fetch it" enthused the Captain. " Let me go Captain Mainwaring, let me go." gushed Corporal Jones." Don't be stupid Jones you don't know where to go" said Captain Mainwaring. Foggy shouted to Compo from the snow plough," That man there, come on we've no time to lose", as he started up the engine. Compo jumped up into the cab and off they went back down the hill. " This is better than church parade" gasped the excited Foggy as they sped down the hill." Aye just make sure you can stop this thing when we get there." gulped Compo.
Back at Jones's van Cleggy chatted to corporal Jones, " Tell me corporal, hows the war going, have you been invaded yet?" Jones replied dispondently, " To tell you the truth I don't think the Bosh will come, what gets me is the food shortages. It doesn't matter how good the Royal Navy is at protecting our merchant ships, you can't get a good piece of cheese. Bits of beef and pork I can scurry away for myself and friends but when it comes down to it, you cant beat a nice toasted cheese supper." Cleggy laughed and said " It makes you wonder why the ministry didn't prioritise cheese and tea to boost moral." " Only 2 oz of each but as many carrots as you can eat, they say they improve your eyesight, but my mincers don't seem any better. I have to use my torch in the blackout, then I'm in trouble with that warden Hodges. He's got loads of carrots, I am surprised he hasn't turned yellow, and he's a green grocer" laughed corporal Jones.
After twenty minutes they could hear the returning snow plough and with in minutes it was parked alongside the butchers van. " Here you are," winced Compo shaking his arm as he handed over his brass ashtray " Flipping static on that cab door, its worse than a dog bite." he embellished. " Speaking of dog bites, is that what's happened to his trouser." Enquired Captain Mainwaring. " No! he's just a scruffy Herbet, his whole families the same, you can't take them anywhere." Blazed Blamire, embarrassed by Compo's attire. " Those Santa trouser were brand new this morning" stated Blamire. " I caught them on the tailgate when you had us shoveling sand, you twallock." argued Compo. "Never mind that now, lets get this thing fixed." Said the Captain, calling Jones over.
Jones took the brass ashtray and said" Blimey sir, this looks just about the right size. If it will fit on the stimulator spigot we may have cracked it. I don't mean a cracked spigot sir, I mean cracked the problem." bumbled Jones. " I know what you mean, come on Jones get on with it. The longer we are here the more chance Hitler has to launch his attack at our undefended section of coast." pleaded Captain Mainwaring. It took Jones about fifteen minutes to insert the ashtray then they were ready to go. The three soldiers sat in the butchers van cab." Once we get through our portal to 1941, yours should be reset." Said Captain Mainwaring reassuringly as he offered his handshake. Blamire took the captains hand, as Jones started up the van. Nothing it was dead, " Don't panic Captain Mainwaring, don't panic, I' ll try again." shouted Jones. He tried again. Nothing it was silent. " Excuse me Sir" intervened Wilson, who was looking at the manual. " It says recharge the stimulator with an extremely low frequency charge." he explained." And just how do we do that then" snapped Mainwaring. "It's occurred to me that extremely low frequency is referred to in technical terms as ELF." said sargeant Wilson." Whats the point Wilson" replied the Captain. " You see sir, we have not one elf but two elves, double the power." Wilson tried to explain." I don't get it Wilson." replied a blank faced Captain. "Let me explain sir, the elves join hands, you in turn join hands with them forming a link, then with the finger of your other hand you touch the stimulator. Jones turns on the engine and at that precise moment the first elf touches the already running snow plough with his free hand. Then the low frequency static passes from the snow plough to the stimulator through your bodies, recharging the electromagnetic pulser."The Captain looked at Wilson, straight faced and said " I wondered how long it would take you to spot that, come on lets get organised." Foggy started up the snow plough and kept the revs up. Cleggy took hold of Blamires left hand, who inturn took hold of the Captains left hand. The Captain touched the stimulator with his forefinger. He nodded to Cleggy to touch the snow plough and Jones to turn the starter on the van. Cleggy touched the door of the snow plough cab, then instantly he felt a tingle surge up his arm. He closed his eyes in anticipation as Foggy applied more revs to the snow plough engine. Sparks of white light shot up Cleggy's arm, He turned and looked to his right. Blamire was stood to attention his body was covered in lightening bolts, the snow around him was melting, his eyes were half closed trying to stop his eye balls from shooting out as his teeth shook and glowed with an electrical discharge below his twirled almost singed moustache. The captain's hat was smoking as he shook in his seat with lightening bolts zapping into the pertubation box. Then the engine started up. " We've done it , we've done it my brave captain." yelled Jones. They all released their grip as Captain Mainwaring praised their efforts, Still shaking he removed his hat to stop it smouldering. Wandering in a daze in a puddle of melted snow with the odd spark flitting around his head Blamire could only manage a glazed stare of bewilderment as he nodded yes, whilst Cleggy was teasing Compo with a spark he could not extinguish." Give over Norm, you'll have my beard on fire in a minute" shouted Compo as he climbed on to the back of the plough. Cleggy put out the spark and asked Compo to pass him the small sack down. He took a small package out of the sack and went over to Jones at the van. " Here you are my friend a little something for a toasted supper, all the way from Wensleydale" said Cleggy as he offered up the package to Jones." Thank you young man. I hope your friend will be ok" replied Jones. Looking at Blamire, Cleggy laughed "he'll be fine, he often gets in that state on a Saturday night down at the White Horse". They all laughed and as they drove off, Captain Mainwaring saluted Cleggy. There was a flash and a last zapp of energy as the van disappeared.
Cleggy collected Blamire and sat him on the running board of the snow plough. Compo jumped down off the back and approached them chuckling " Give him a drop of the old Nelson's, that'll sort his reception. I used to bang the top of me telly when I got electrical interference but that messed up me horizontal hold." Cleggy got the bottle of 100 proof out of Blamires secret pocket and administered it to his lips. Foggy sitting in the cab jeered, " Can I have a swig, all this excitement has worked up a thirst." Blamire retorted quickly," Your too young, besides your driving." "Blimey it must be good stuff that Woods. That rum on the Victory didn't revive Nelson." scoffed Compo. They all laughed and passed the bottle around. Blamire stood up and climbed up into the cab, as Cleggy and Compo resumed sanding duties. They drove a further mile up to Digley House. As they walked through the gates with the sacks over their shoulders, they could hear the children singing,'O come all ye faithfull'. " By ek! they are expecting us" laughed Compo. Blamire said " I think we will have to make this a fleeting visit. You know what Ivy will be like if we are late for dinner." " Oh I don't think we need worry." replied Compo. " How come?" inquired Cleggy. " When I went back to the cafe for the ashtray, Mr Boggis had delivered the turkey and Sid was chasing it around the cafe with a chopper, when I walked in the turkey got out and I last saw Sid running up the highstreet with Ivy and tray in close persuit." chuckled Compo. Cleggy laughed out loud saying " In that case we can get to the White Horse for last orders." Blamire coughed, " Thats the best idea I've heard all day, and I think Foggy deserves a shandy. Of course there will have to be some arrangement as to who is paying." Foggy who was following them chirped up, " I'll get the first round in Mr Blamire." With that they all shouted "Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas," greeted by shouts of "Hooray Hooray" from the children and staff as they walked inside.
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