Have a Nice Day.

[Peripheral]

Good Morning All. That's a simple but pleasant greeting to all members and hopes that you all have a healthy and happy day. I do not wish to spoil it by telling you that my hair has changed growing directions. By that, I mean that my hair is now growing inwards instead of outwards the outcome of which is that I am going bald and keep getting hair-brained ideas which I put to paper and you poor people have to put up with. That said, I do hope that this message brings a little smile to your face and that you yourselves will spread some happiness by reciprocating. Wow, I've waited twenty years to use that word. Go forth you lovely people and reciprocate. ...... I said reciprocate fellas, not forni..... OOPS, better not put that.
Peri.

 

[and7barton]

Growing inwards. Could your remark indicate that you are a Gerrard Hoffnung fan ?

 

[Peripheral]

Good Day to you sir. I have never heard of Gerrard Hoffnung. I just did a quick search and found some videos of him which I will watch later. I see he died 60 years ago. Thank you for your response.
Peri.

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Inward growth reminds me of the old Les Dawson joke " I told the wife that beauty was only skin deep , sadly she was born inside out! "

 

[Peripheral]

Inward growth reminds me of the old Les Dawson joke " I told the wife that beauty was only skin deep , sadly she was born inside out! "

Thanks Captain, you have just given me my first laugh of the day.

 

[dick]

Good Day to you sir. I have never heard of Gerrard Hoffnung. I just did a quick search and found some videos of him which I will watch later. I see he died 60 years ago. Thank you for your response.
Peri.

If memory serves, Gerard Hoffnung had his own inimitable style . One I remember was a variation on "Murphy and The Bricks " .The tale of a labourer on a building site who writes to his foreman giving the excuse for not turning up for work.

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Dick not sure this is what you were trying to recall but if not I think its a very funny tale which if you can use your imagination and picture what's happening this makes it even funnier.

https://monologues.co.uk/Sketches/Bricklayers_Story.htm

 

[dick]

Not quite as I remember it but he used to have this way of making his voice go up and down for dramatic effect. He was almost shouting at times. Thanks Captain.

 

[and7barton]

Good Day to you sir. I have never heard of Gerrard Hoffnung. I just did a quick search and found some videos of him which I will watch later. I see he died 60 years ago. Thank you for your response.
Peri.

If you can get hold of his interviews with Charles Richardson, he says "My hair grows inwards now", when excusing his baldness.
These interviews are available on Vinyl..... and hopefully these days, also on CD.

 

[and7barton]

Here's Gerrard Hoffnung's Charles Richardson interviews - (in two parts, both on youtube) -

Part 1

Part 2 -

 

[Peripheral]

Here's Gerrard Hoffnung's Charles Richardson interviews - (in two parts, both on youtube) -

Part 1

Part 2 -

Hello "and7barton", {Do you have a shorter name?} thank you for the videos. I have never heard of Gerrard before but I have heard the 'Bricklayers lament' many years ago. He sounds very dry and can grow on you quite quickly. I have also watched [heard] some of his material I found on the net. I see where you might think I had heard him before when I referred to my hair growing inwards. I think up silly things like that when I type letters to people. I sit here with my laptop without a clue what I am going to write about but once I get started my mind goes in all silly directions. I have written a few silly stories with just a blank canvas and my train of thought does bear some resemblance to Gerrards. I would love to see some film of him.
Thanks again, Peri.

 

[and7barton]

Hello "and7barton", {Do you have a shorter name?} thank you for the videos. I have never heard of Gerrard before but I have heard the 'Bricklayers lament' many years ago. He sounds very dry and can grow on you quite quickly. I have also watched [heard] some of his material I found on the net. I see where you might think I had heard him before when I referred to my hair growing inwards. I think up silly things like that when I type letters to people. I sit here with my laptop without a clue what I am going to write about but once I get started my mind goes in all silly directions. I have written a few silly stories with just a blank canvas and my train of thought does bear some resemblance to Gerrards. I would love to see some film of him.
Thanks again, Peri.

There's very little material in existence from Hoffnung, unfortunately. Just his Oxford Union speech and the Charles Richardson interviews; also a very poor quality BBC monologue. Another snippet is from one of his concerts where he's talking about "The Art of Tuba" and "Punkt Contrapunkt" which was issued on a vinyl EP. I don't know of any other stuff. Such a shame. Interesting that you write stuff. I do too. I wrote a crazy novel which nobody so far has been willing to publish. I gave up trying after four rejections.

 

[Peripheral]

There's very little material in existence from Hoffnung, unfortunately. Just his Oxford Union speech and the Charles Richardson interviews; also a very poor quality BBC monologue. Another snippet is from one of his concerts where he's talking about "The Art of Tuba" and "Punkt Contrapunkt" which was issued on a vinyl EP. I don't know of any other stuff. Such a shame. Interesting that you write stuff. I do too. I wrote a crazy novel which nobody so far has been willing to publish. I gave up trying after four rejections.

I wrote 29 short stories for children about a hedgehog called Spike. I bought a book which gave the information needed for approaching publishers. I took notice of the protocol which I was to follow and submitted a letter to a publisher of children's stories. After a few weeks, I received a reply telling me that there was not enough action in the stories I had submitted and that they would be returned to me. I found that most interesting, considering that I had only written an introductory letter and not sent any stories to them. I gave up. However, did you know that J.K. Rowling had more than 100 rejections before her story of Harry Potter was accepted? I was thinking of posting one of my silly stories. I reckon it would have to be posted under the forum Not Summer Wine Material.
Peri.

 

[Peripheral]

I expect a lot of you will be watching the English FA cup this afternoon. That has given me an idea of what to watch instead of the game. I will be watching LOTSW 'The Charity Balls' episode. I will find that more entertaining. If you watch the match enjoy the game.
Peri.

 

[Marianna]

Dick not sure this is what you were trying to recall but if not I think its a very funny tale which if you can use your imagination and picture what's happening this makes it even funnier.

https://monologues.co.uk/Sketches/Bricklayers_Story.htm

Thanks, Cap. I've intermittently been thinking about searching for this monologue to forward to my sister, but never thought of it when I was within reach of a computer. It reminds me of an experience she had when she was 11 years old trying to retrieve a keg of nails from a very high shelf in a warehouse at an abandoned lumber mill. The keg fell to the concrete floor and carried her with it. Unfortunately, the keg didn't burst when it landed on top of her or the impact might not have been quite so severe but, fortunately, she walked away with only a few bruises.

 

[RickAns]

Have you looked into self publishing? I know nothing about it. Only heard the term and that it is easier nowadays with the internet and such.

 

[and7barton]

Have you looked into self publishing? I know nothing about it. Only heard the term and that it is easier nowadays with the internet and such.

I did look into it. The more copies you have printed, the cheaper they become, per copy. There's a system they use. I think it's called "Print on Demand". There's basically this enormously long machine, all loaded with paper and card. They plug your datastick into it, containing your manuscript, and eventually, out of the other end pops a completed book. The cost of having a few copies made is colossal, but if I had a large quantity printed, it might take me 30 years to sell them.

 

[Marianna]

I did look into it. The more copies you have printed, the cheaper they become, per copy.

Have you considered self-publishing in e-format? This is Amazon's US Kindle Direct Publishing site, but I expect there's a version for each of the countries in which Amazon operates. https://kdp.amazon.com/en_US/

I buy (or borrow from the public library) only e-books unless I simply can't resist one that's available only in hard copy. Examples of the latter are most of the Summer Wine books and a few older genealogy reference books. Even my magazine subscriptions are exclusively electronic via Zinio. It's a start on reducing the quantity of "stuff" that's part of the reason I own a 3-bedroom house. I certainly don't need that much space to house myself, a basic wardrobe suitable for a retiree, basic furniture, the few cooking utensils and appliances I use on a routine basis, a TV set, TiVo, region-free DVD player and the full season of LOTSW discs. In other words, the things I use and enjoy.

 

[RickAns]

Good thinking on the e-book idea, Marianna!

My Mom absolutely loved her Kindle and must have had a few hundreds book on there. At least that going by what she had said.

Thanks for describing the process, Andy. I had wondered how they did that. I have bought a few DVD's in the past that were print-on-demand. Was unsure about it at first. Since they were not super popular enough for the label to keep a physical stock of them it made since that they store the info digitally and press out copies as needed. Plus it was the only way I was going to get to see the show or movie again. They were actually pressed commercially and not just burned on somebodies computer - thankfully. The disc artwork looked inkjet'ed on instead of fancier photo quality stuff - I can live with that. It's what the laser reads that I care about.

 

[Peripheral]

I did look into it. The more copies you have printed, the cheaper they become, per copy. There's a system they use. I think it's called "Print on Demand". There's basically this enormously long machine, all loaded with paper and card. They plug your datastick into it, containing your manuscript, and eventually, out of the other end pops a completed book. The cost of having a few copies made is colossal, but if I had a large quantity printed, it might take me 30 years to sell them.

That sounds very interesting. If I was younger I would look into that. My son in Australia likes the stories and I think that one day he may try and get them published. I am going to post one of my blank canvas silly stories today, watch out for 'My Wife's Walking Stick'.