jokes bad or otherwise.

Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What wobbles as it flies ?...............A jellicopter :rolling:
     
  2. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    I've written a book on reverse psychology . .............DONT READ IT!!:08:
     
  3. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What do you call a Spaniard recently discharged from hospital ??.........................Manuel !:08:
     
  4. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why did the strawberry cry ??.......................His mother was in a jam!:eek2:
     
  5. Andrew D

    Andrew D Well-Known Member

    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef....
     
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  6. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    I once ate a watch, .....................It was time consuming!:08:
     
  7. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why was the chicken arrested ?.....................................For using fowl language!!:rolling:;)
     
  8. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why does space rock taste nicer than earth rock??............................Cause its a little meteor (meatier):08:
     
  9. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    How do fish always know how much they weigh ??.........................They take their scales everywhere with them,:rolling:
     
  10. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why did the sun have to leave university ?...............It was too bright! :eyesroll:
     
  11. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    One of old Georges...............
    Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance !:39:
     
  12. Brian Johns

    Brian Johns Well-Known Member

    Ok here are another few oldies


    QUOTES FROM MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS

    His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

    This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

    This Officer can be likened to a small puppy... he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

    The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

    When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

    This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

    This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

    Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

    She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

    He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

    This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

    Works well when cornered like a rat in a trap.

    Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

    If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

    If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

    A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

    When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.

    He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

    Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

    He's so dense light bends around him.

    If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.

    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
     
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  13. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    My books all piled on top of me, I've only got my shelf to blame.
     
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  14. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    THINGS THE LECTURER SAYS AND WHAT HE REALLY MEANS

    Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.
    (I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)

    The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
    (I don't understand the details either.)

    The test scores were generally good.
    (Some of you managed a C)

    Some of you could have done better.
    (Everyone failed.)

    It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
    (I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)
     
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  15. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Money talks, but all mine ever says is, "Good-bye."


    :02::02::02::02::02::02:
     
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  16. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    If Dick can get away with old groaners, so can I ...



    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

    The woman says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on to him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road!

    Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label: "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
     
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  17. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why did the tightrope walker visit the bank ??.....................................To check his balance ! :rolling:
     
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  18. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why does it take so long for a giraffe to say sorry??........................Its a long way for him to swallow his pride !:08:
     
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  19. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Can February March ?? No but April May !;)
     
  20. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why did the coffee file a police report ??..........................Cause it was mugged !:08:
     
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