Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.
If at first you don't succeed...so much for skydiving!
Why did the witches lose their cricket match ??.....................Their bats flew away !
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
What did the Penne say to the Fusilli before it went on holiday ?
Pasta la vista !
What do you get if you cross a dolphin with an elephant?
Why is a circle the most useless shape ? There's no point to it !
What do you call an Arab dairy farmer?
A milk sheik.
One wind turbine asked the other what kind of music it liked. "Oh I'm a big metal fan !" was the reply!
You're only young once but You can be immature forever !
How do we know Moses wore a wig.
Sometimes he was seen with Aaron and sometimes without.
I nearly got arrested for stealing a board game. It was a RISK I was willing to take !
What does a cashier in a police station do?
My bank manager is so pleased with me ,he keeps sending me letters saying my account is OUTSTANDING !!
Hear about the pregnant bed bug?? She's having her baby in the spring !
The 5 steps to invisibility:
If you plan to fail, and you do, indeed, fail, have you actually succeeded?
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Past present and future walked into a bar. It was tense!
THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY.
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection...Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Separate names with a comma.