Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.
Why do cows lie down when its cold ??................................To keep each udder warm.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor ??..............................It was just a stage he was going through .
Hear about the magic tractor ?? It went down the lane and turned into a field !
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Two guys were fishing on the river.
One catches the biggest catfish either one has ever seen. He says to his buddy, "We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again."
His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big 'X' on the bottom of his boat. The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. "Seriously? What if we bring different boat next time?"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain!"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week."
"Well," said the second boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."
"That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see Grandma and Grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
This guy wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted.
When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
Do Roman doctors and nurses refer to IV's as "4's"?
A dog walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him. After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor, she asks the dog to come back in an hour. The dog agrees and walks out. As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog.
"Of course," says the owner, "send him down."
An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.
To which the dog replies, "What does the circus want with a carpenter?"
Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.
As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips."
Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"
"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."
My friend was recently crushed by books!................................He's only got his shelf to blame !
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Why did the Queen visit the dentist?? To have her teeth crowned !
Giraffiti is vandalism spray-painted very, very high!
A Yorkshire man ordered a headstone for his wife's grave .Being pragmatic and "careful" he asked the mason just to put SHE WERE THINE on the stone.
He went back when it was declared ready , to find that on the stone was carved SHE WERE THIN ! " This is no good ! "he told the mason "You've missed the letter E off."
The mason assured him it would be put right by the following day.
The man went back next day to find that the stone now read E SHE WERE THIN .
The trouble with time travel jokes ? You've already heard the punchline !
Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they return to port they can Scandinavian!
Separate names with a comma.