jokes bad or otherwise.

Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    I went to the bank and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over and pushed me.
     
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  2. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Oh my darling , whispered the passionate young man " Am I the first man you've made love to??"
    "Yes yes ! "said she looking bored.
    "Why do men always ask the same silly question ? " :confused::eyesroll:
     
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  3. captain clutterbuck

    captain clutterbuck Well-Known Member

    A husband and wife have been going through a bit of sticky patch especially as he thinks she is looking old and tired and told her as much .On the spur of the moment the lady decides to go and get her hair and make up done , she has a new wrinkle cream applied , buys an new slimming dress and lovely high heeled shoes . When she returns home she asks the husband "Well Darling how old do you think I look now??" . "Well" says the husband " From the hairstyle I'd say 25, " " From your skin and face i'd say 22, " " For your body with the new dress and shoes i'd say 24" . The lady is beaming "Oh darling you are so kind and such a flatterer " . " Just hang on a second" the husband retorts " If I can only find the calculator to add that all up I'll be able to tell you" :08:
     
  4. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What makes The Tower of Pisa lean??..........................It doesn't eat much !:08:
     
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  5. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    Why do people point to their wrist when they want to know what time it is, but they don’t point to their pants when they need to ask where the restroom is? :eyesroll:
     
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  6. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Dear Me, I keep writing letters to myself !:39:
     
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  7. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    What is the hottest place in the house?

    The corner, it's always 90 degrees.
     
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  8. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing.

    The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for riding Royal Airlines." But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

    Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

    "Why no, ma'am," replied the pilot, "What is it?"

    The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
     
  9. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

    The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

    The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

    The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

    He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

    The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

    The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

    Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

    The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.

    Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

    The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
     
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  10. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    A self-addressed envelope would be addressed to "Envelope," right?
     
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  11. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Johnny: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

    Teacher: "Why, of course not."

    Johnny: "Good, 'cause I didn't do my homework."
     
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  12. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What do you call a pile of kittens ?.....................A meeowntain !:eyesroll:
     
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  13. captain clutterbuck

    captain clutterbuck Well-Known Member

    A panda walks into a bar and orders lunch . The Barman takes him the plate of food which the Panda pays for and eats . He thanks the Barman but just before he leaves he takes out a machine gun from his holdall and shoots up the bar totally . As the noise dies down and the dust settles the Barman shouts " Hey what the hell do you think you are doing you come in here I give you food and you repay me by destroying my bar!!!! Why???" The Panda replies " Google me!" and goes. The Barman looks it up and gives an understanding nod " Panda -black and white furred Bear native of Australia Eats shoots and leaves" :08:
     
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  14. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Is a snail ,a slug with a crash helmet ?:rolling:
     
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  15. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Would you call a baby ape "A chimp off the old block?"
     
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  16. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    Why did the farmer name his rooster Robinson?

    Because it crew so.
     
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  17. captain clutterbuck

    captain clutterbuck Well-Known Member

    An old ventriloquist is down on his look and to make money he takes a job at the local brewery . The manager puts him to work in the bottling plant pumping beer into the bottles . After two hours he is sacked because whilst he was supposed to bottle the beer he could only "Gottle " it what a mess!:08:
     
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  18. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why did the farmer plough his field using a steamroller ??

    He wanted to grow mashed potatoes !:08::rolleyes:
     
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  19. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What do they call it when someone makes poor imitations of a cat ??....................Fake mews !:08:
     
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  20. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    They say the mirror never lies.

    I'm just grateful mine doesn't laugh out loud!
     
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