jokes bad or otherwise.

Discussion in 'Lets Have some Summer Wine Fun' started by George, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    I nearly got arrested for stealing a board game. It was a RISK I was willing to take !:08:
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  2. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    What does a cashier in a police station do?

    Counts coppers. :eyesroll:
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  3. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    My bank manager is so pleased with me ,he keeps sending me letters saying my account is OUTSTANDING !! :22:
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  4. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Hear about the pregnant bed bug?? She's having her baby in the spring !:08:
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  5. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    The 5 steps to invisibility:




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  6. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    If you plan to fail, and you do, indeed, fail, have you actually succeeded? :confused:
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  7. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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  8. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Past present and future walked into a bar. It was tense!:eek:
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  9. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member


    We Must Stop This Immediately!

    Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

    And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

    I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

    I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection...Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

    Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

    Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

    The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

    I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

    All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.


    PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.
  10. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

    "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

    The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

    The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
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  11. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    Is a harp is just a piano with no clothes on?
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  12. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up with an Amish carriage.

    The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign:
    "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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  13. barmpot

    barmpot Well-Known Member

    "Sally, can you spell 'water' for me?" The teacher asked.

    "H I J K L M N 0," answered Sally promptly.

    Her teacher look puzzled. "That doesn't spell "water."

    "Sure it does," said Sally. "My daddy's a scientist and he says water is H to O."
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  14. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Two silkworms had a race, they ended in a tie .:08:
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  15. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    What are the scariest 3 words in Braille?

    Do Not Touch!
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  16. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    What happened when a lion walked into the escalator ??There was an uproar!:eek::39:
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  17. Electrical Entwistle

    Electrical Entwistle Well-Known Member

    Early this morning my partner asked me to hand her the lipstick.

    I accidentally gave her a Glue Stick.

    She still isn't speaking to me. :eyesroll:
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  18. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    Why don't ants get the flu?.................................They have antybodies !:08:
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  19. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    A man and his wife were discussing packing for their holidays. The wife suggested that they only take one of the toiletries between them so as to save weight.
    The husband said that that could be tricky ,because if they fell out she would not be able to clean her teeth if the toothpaste was in his case.

    The wife replied that if they fell out he would have no teeth to clean!:mad:
  20. dick

    dick Well-Known Member

    So what if I cant spell ARMAGEDDON ! It's not the end of the world ! :rolleyes::20:
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