jokes bad or otherwise.

A honeymoon couple are staying in a Hotel in Washington DC where the Watergate Scandal was exposed . The Bride to be was really concerned in case there were any bugging devices left behind so she insists the Groom checks the room thoroughly . After checking for ten minutes , having lifted the carpet he finds a silver disc screwed into the floor. He grabs his Swiss army knife and takes out the four screws, removes the disc and puts it outside the room door.

The following morning the couple check out an the desk manager asks " Was everything alright with your room ? " " Yes " the man replied . "Are you sure because the couple below you had real problems when the Chandelier in their room crashed down on their bed!"
 
George said:
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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A friend told me this joke years ago, and claimed that it was shared with her at a MENSA SIG (Special Interest Group) Meeting. Since that time, I've always thought the people who tell this joke were insiders of this super-intelligent elite group. Thanks for the smiles. I understood all of them, except for the one about the cat.
 
Emma said:
A friend told me this joke years ago, and claimed that it was shared with her at a MENSA SIG (Special Interest Group) Meeting. Since that time, I've always thought the people who tell this joke were insiders of this super-intelligent elite group. Thanks for the smiles. I understood all of them, except for the one about the cat.
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Its a play on words from the Yorkshire dialect Emma. The vet was asking if the cat was a tomcat. The customer from Yorkshire was answering what he thought was the vet asking if he had left the cat at home ! (" at 'om "?):rolling::eyesroll:
 
A man dashes into a Psychiatrist's office " Doctor you have to help me my wife has think she's a chicken and its been going on for two years now" " Two years !" the Psychiatrist replies " Why did you wait so long to come and seek my help" . " Have you seen the price of Eggs!!!" the man replies.
 
Howard , dressed as a Native American for his "Rehearsal" for Rose Marie with Marina, is out for a drive in Smiler's Cadillac when he breaks down next to an Army range in the middle of the Yorkshire Hills . Knowing Marina is still in the Holmfirth area and having no mobile phone or money he lights a Fire and sends a smoke signal to Marina saying " Hello Petal I am stuck out in the Country and Smiler's car has broken down . I have no money and I need you to bring me £500 and your Mobile phone so I can call a mechanic to fix the car"

Marina sees the signal and lights a fire to respond. " I don't have £500 Howard best I can do is to fetch Wesley!" Just as she finishes a bomb goes off on the Army Range next to where Howard is . Marina incensed by what she sees signals back " Well if that's your attitude Howard fix the car yourself I am off to see a Mr Waddle!"
 
I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery, when three girls walked up to me and said they were scared to walk through on their own at night. So I agreed to walk with them. I told them that I used to be scared when I was alive.
I`ve never seen anybody run so fast.
 
We have loads of hills where I live, which helps my cardio workout. Anyway, I was surprised to see a little chap with a wheelbarrow struggling towards me this morning while I was fiddling with my music player. He was huffing and puffing, and sweating profusely as we passed. I noticed the barrow was loaded to the top with horseshoes, black cats, four leaf clovers, and rabbit's feet.

I thought to myself, “He's pushing his luck.”
 
A guy eventually gets home, after drinking all night, to his somewhat angry wife . " Where the hell do you think you've been!!! " " Well dear there's a new bar opened in town , The Golden Nugget it has Gold Doors , a Gold Floor and even the toilet is made of Gold and I just had to try it! "

Angry and unhappy the wife picks up the phone and gets the Operator to put her through to the bar . When the Barman answers the call his wife asks " My husband has come home drunk after being at your pub and he says it has Golden Doors " "Indeed it does madam" the Barman replied . " he says you have a Golden Floor " " Right again Madam" the Barman replies .

"He says even the Toilet is Golden ?" There is silence at the other end for two minutes and then she hears the Barman shout " Hey Harry I think I know who had a Pee in your Saxaphone!!"
 
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half pint of skimmed milk, A half dozen eggs,500 mls of orange juice, A small head of lettuce, A small jar of coffee, and a 6 rasher bacon. As she was putting her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
 
Bill Gates passes away and he goes to the Pearly Gates where St Peter tells him although its marginal whilst he has done some great charity work he has been often selfish and caused misery for thousands and so regrettably he is going to have to be sent to Hell.

On arrival he is met by Satan " Ah Mr Gates we've been expecting you, I am going to make you an offer of three locations where you will see out your days" " The first is the lake of fire where millions of lost souls are tormented and tortured, the second is the Coliseum where thousands are chased and devoured by Lions. The third is this room where there is a nice bed and settee , a PC in the corner and a nice bottle of wine on the table."

Bill thinks for a nanosecond and says "The room will be fine"

Satan's right hand Man shakes his head in disbelief and asks " Why Master did you give Bill Gates of all people the best choice of a room "

"Well" says Satan " The bottle of wine has a hole in the bottom, the PC is running on Windows 95 and three of its keys don't work. "

"Which ones Master ?" Satan's right hand man asks.

"Ctrl, Alt and Del" Satan replies
 
A man ended up in hell and asked the man next to him what he had to do . The man said "its not so bad just do as you are told." The man just wandered about till he came upon a room where everyone was walking ankle deep in human "sludge "and other detritus. He said ," this will suit me it does not look so bad ". He said " I'll stay here."
At that moment the foreman came back and said "Tea break over, back on your heads !":39::12:
 
A man is leaving Sunday Mass and at the Church door he asks the Priest " Father is it right that a man should profit from the mistakes of others? " The Priest answers back "No my son ." The man pauses but then says " In which case I'll have the hundred quid back I gave you when you married my wife and I last year !"
 
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