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jokes bad or otherwise.

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
...Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM
 
I was refused entry into the Police force because I am out of shape.
I can only think It's because my head didn't reach the top of the
helmet.
 
Since my mate cut half is foot off in an accident, I can't abide the
bloke. I'm lack toes intolerant.
 
I took the rubbish out last night then I thought to myself,'what the
hell am I doing in the pub with a wheelie bin?
 
Just took my neighbours lawnmower back round to him and he had a right
go at me. I told him that if he didn't want me to borrow it he should
put a better lock on his shed door.
 
I find Reality TV very educational..When it comes on i switch it off and read a book. :P
 
I'm busy writing my autobiography at the minute. Should be available
to buy early next year. But to sell a few more copies I'm naming it
'Harry Potter and the da Vinci book of Sudoku'.
 
I went for a job interview today.
The interviewer asked, "How did you hear about the job?"
I replied, "With my ears."
 
The man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died age 93. Hardest part was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the
trouble started..
 
My wife was making me a cup of tea this morning I said I didn't want
sugar because I'm sweet enough already.
She said you might want to think twice before eating that greasy,
fat bacon sandwich then love.
 
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was a musical genius at a very young age.
At 3, he'd learned to play the piano.
By 5, he'd started composing.
At 7, his mum made him go to bed.
 
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