jokes bad or otherwise.

As the taxi driver dropped me off last night, he said, "That's £16 please."
I gave him a twenty and said, "Keep it."
"Are you serious?" he asked.
I said, "Yeah, I'm in a good mood."
He said, "Yeah well you owe me another £15.80."
 
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
Their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
Making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,'
Says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery,
Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector

'Thought he was having his picture taken.'
 
A giant termite strolls into the pub and asks loudly, "Is the bartender here?" (take a moment to let it sink in... I hear the folks from Glasgow might not get it until sometime next year... but that's just what I've heard, mind you... :)
 
Wally Batty is driving down the expressway. A policeman pulls him over and says, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the sidecar a mile back?"

Wally says, "Thank God, I thought I was going deaf."
 
Wally and Nora are in a bank when a fellow wearing a mask bursts in with a gun, "Everybody on the floor! This is a stick up!"

In his nervousness and excitement, the bank robber momentarily drops his mask and puts it back on again.

He pulls up to a bank teller, "Did you see my face?" he asked, pointing the gun at the clerk. "Yes, I did" - Bang! The robber shoots the fellow.

The robber pulls up to the bank manager on the floor behind his desk, "Did you see my face?" "Yes" was the timid reply. Bang! The robber shoots him, too.

Finally, the robber saddles up beside Wally and asks him if he saw his face. "No, sir - but my wife did!"
 
My mates wife came home today and said to him, "Here I am, just back from the beauty parlour."
"What's wrong? Was it closed?" was not the smartest thing he's ever said.
 
Every day I try to get here before work to have a laugh. You never fail, George, Where do you get them all?
 
I was asked on my driving test to describe a typical countryside road sign,
apparently "Pick your own Strawberries" is incorrect.
 
My mate Dave was killed yesterday after a car ran over his finger.
He was picking his nose at the time
 
I was on the train when an elderly lady approached me.
"Are you Jewish?" she asked.
"No, I'm not." I replied.
"Are you sure you're not Jewish?" she asked again.
"Yes, I'm sure, I'm not Jewish"
"Are you really sure, you aren't Jewish." she asked a third time.
Finally I lost my temper and shouted, "Yes! I'm Jewish!"
"Funny” she said “you don't look Jewish."
 
I was disgusted at the number of discarded needles in the local park.
Bloody old ladies and their knitting.
 
THEY'VE JUST FOUND MILLIONS OF POUNDS WORTH OF SILVER 3 MILES UNDER THE ATLANTIC.! WHY CANT I FIND THE COUPLE OF COINS THAT FALL OUT OF MY TROUSERS WHEN I UNDRESS FOR BED?? ::)
 
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