Peripheral
Dedicated Member
Last night was a terrible night. I had such a bad dream. I dreamt that I was cornered in my bedroom by, don't laugh, by Nora Batty. She was wearing a corrugated metal nightie which blended so well with her stockings. She had an evil come hither look in her eyes. She held out her arm and beckoned me with a gnarled forefinger.
"Come here Peri," she growled, "I ain't going to hurt you, all I want is a night of unbridled passion."
"I'm a sick man," I yelled as I cringed back into the bed, "there are other male members much fitter than me, try Dick."
"That's exactly what I want to try" she smirked. Slowly she moved across the room and I made a desperate attempt to jump through the window. I was just about through when I felt a hand grab my hair. Do you ever have those days when you wish you were bald? I was hoisted most unceremoniously back into the bedroom. I was 6 feet tall when jumped out of the window but by the time I was dumped on the bed I was 6 feet 3 inches. One good thing did happen during the hoist, my double chin changed position, it is now wrapped round my ears. By this time, I was fast becoming extremely concerned about retaining my virginity. You don't believe me do you! I know I have more grand-kids than what there are tea leaves at Liptons. If you have any doubts about this story then please allow me to refer you to the second sentence. It does quite clearly state that it was a dream. Back to my predicament. There I was, trying desperately to to defend myself from Nora's lustful desires. I didn't have a crucifix, no holy water, no garlic or anything of that 'ilk' {hands up all those who don't know what an ilk is} with which I could ward off Nora's frenzied attack. She was so close by now that her curlers were becoming wrapped up in my eyelashes. I was on the point of succumbniation when one last idea sprang to mind. Quickly, I leaned over the edge of the bed and withdrew something from the bottom drawer of my dresser. I hastily held it up in front of Nora's face. The look on her features suddenly changed from from one of desperate desire to one of stark terror. She screamed and ran frantically to the bedroom door shouting, "NO NO PLEASE GET THAT AWAY FROM ME". In seconds it was all over, she was gone and I was safe. I gently kissed my saviour and said to it, "Tomorrow I will buy you the best photo frame in town." I looked fondly at the picture in my hand and uttered the words, "Thanks Compo".
"Come here Peri," she growled, "I ain't going to hurt you, all I want is a night of unbridled passion."
"I'm a sick man," I yelled as I cringed back into the bed, "there are other male members much fitter than me, try Dick."
"That's exactly what I want to try" she smirked. Slowly she moved across the room and I made a desperate attempt to jump through the window. I was just about through when I felt a hand grab my hair. Do you ever have those days when you wish you were bald? I was hoisted most unceremoniously back into the bedroom. I was 6 feet tall when jumped out of the window but by the time I was dumped on the bed I was 6 feet 3 inches. One good thing did happen during the hoist, my double chin changed position, it is now wrapped round my ears. By this time, I was fast becoming extremely concerned about retaining my virginity. You don't believe me do you! I know I have more grand-kids than what there are tea leaves at Liptons. If you have any doubts about this story then please allow me to refer you to the second sentence. It does quite clearly state that it was a dream. Back to my predicament. There I was, trying desperately to to defend myself from Nora's lustful desires. I didn't have a crucifix, no holy water, no garlic or anything of that 'ilk' {hands up all those who don't know what an ilk is} with which I could ward off Nora's frenzied attack. She was so close by now that her curlers were becoming wrapped up in my eyelashes. I was on the point of succumbniation when one last idea sprang to mind. Quickly, I leaned over the edge of the bed and withdrew something from the bottom drawer of my dresser. I hastily held it up in front of Nora's face. The look on her features suddenly changed from from one of desperate desire to one of stark terror. She screamed and ran frantically to the bedroom door shouting, "NO NO PLEASE GET THAT AWAY FROM ME". In seconds it was all over, she was gone and I was safe. I gently kissed my saviour and said to it, "Tomorrow I will buy you the best photo frame in town." I looked fondly at the picture in my hand and uttered the words, "Thanks Compo".
