George Memorial Jokes thread

My boss pulled up in a brand new BMW." Nice car" I said ." Well " he said ,"work hard and put in the hours and I'll have a better one next year! :41:
 
I've just phoned the hospital and put them on standby, I'm about to open a can of Corned Beef!! :39:
 
Been to the gym and worked up a sweat, the thought of all that exercise terrified me!! ;)
 
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
 
My New Years resolution is to be less condescending.
That means talking down to someone, by the way
 
Woke up this morning and discovered a leak in my fish tank.
Well, it was either that or a very large spring onion.
 
Sky News: 1 in 4 Brits admit to drink driving.
The other 3 were too drunk to remember.
 
My wife says I "disgust her"
Apparently the "3 second" rule doesn't apply to soup...
 
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Feminists don't change lightbulbs; they moan about how patriarchal societies will never see the light anyway.
 
Husband “Did you fake it last night?”
Wife: “No, I was really asleep “
 
Brian from accounts passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph.
Mind you, he did jump from the thirty-second floor
 
Brilliant how quickly the staff come to help you out at B&Q Warehouse when you start climbing up the shelf.
 
Vegetarians always claim that you can't tell the difference between quorn mince and meat.
How do they know?
 
Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal, he changed his name when the pressure got to him.
 
"Woman Climbs Everest Twice In A Week"
That will teach her to leave her handbag at the summit.
 
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