George Memorial Jokes thread

cornishman

cornishman

Junior Jedi
Staff member
I'll get the ball rolling with one of my favourites. Thanks George :)

Bob and Mike are sitting in the pub.
"It's funny," says Bob, "I was wondering for years where my wife spent her evenings."
"And you found out?" asks Mike.
"Aye," says Bob. "I went home early one evening last week and there she was."
 
A man and his blonde girlfriend were sitting in a pub watching the Tour-de France on TV.
The blonde shook her head and asked, "Why do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked the man.
"Go on them bikes for miles, up and down the hills, round the bends. Day
after day, week after week. No matter if what the weather? .. .. ..
why would they torture themselves like that?"
"It's all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?
"Yeah, I understand that." said the blonde, "But why do all the others do it?"

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My life's been a living hell ever since all my numbers came up on the lottery.
Everywhere I go in town , I see them pointing and whispering:
"That's him - the daft sod that lost his lottery ticket."

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I thought my next door neighbour had Tourette's.
Turns out he was just building some IKEA furniture.

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My wife asked, "If I died tomorrow, how long would you wait before sleeping with another woman?"
I said, "10 years."
"Aww really, why?" she smiled.
I said, "They'd probably let me out on parole by then."

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The wife has just nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.
Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?


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I've cooked my wife a dinner using one of Gordon Ramsay's recipes.
If she doesn't f*****g like it she can just f*****g f*** off.

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I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him backstage what is 2+2?"
"7" I replied.

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A man from Barnsley with a sore bum asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
The Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
 
Something the ladies might say at their coffee morning
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started,they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don’t work.
 
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
From about a year ago:

I gave my wife a piece of my mind on our wedding day.
The piece that does the thinking and decision making.
 
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him all weekend
 
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer
 
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
And sadly George's last joke on the forum

My uncle died in a tortoise stampede.
It was a slow death
 
A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed.

Her husband walks in and says, " You look ridiculous! What do you think
you are doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old!"

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year old ass?"

She says, "Your name never came up!"
 
* Over 18's only*

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put a doll in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said,
"I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned. How was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"
 
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly,
"Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,
"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns,bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
 
Rumours of a food shortage at last nights Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies!:21:
 
Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal. He changed his name when the pressure got to him!! :12:
 
My wife asked me "how many women have you slept with??"

I replied " Only you darling, with the rest I was awake!"

Visiting Hours are 10-00 AM to - 8 PM :( :(
 
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