Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and Ice Cream. It's painless and you can eat as much as you can manage !"
The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first boy says, "A circumcision."
And the second boy says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for two years"
A couple are playing golf and reach the 3rd Hole . Before teeing off the Man asks his wife to be extra careful because there are expensive houses at the side of the hole and if she were to break a window it would cost them thousands of pounds . True to form the lady slices the ball and they are met by the sound of breaking glass.
" We'd better go and apologise and see how much its going to cost us" the man says. As they get to the House there is glass everywhere ,there is a Glass Bottle lying broken in the middle of the floor and a Man sitting on the settee . "We are so sorry about this of course we will pay" . "Don't worry " the man says "You have done me a favour I am a Genie and I have been couped up in that bottle for a thousand years."
" As a Genie I am allowed to grant three wishes so I will give you one each but I will be selfish and keep one for myself." The man pipes up "I'd like a Billion pounds so I can spend freely for the rest of my life." " Granted" the man replies. The lady retorts " I want a luxurious House in every Country so whenever I fly anywhere I have somewhere great to stay." "Granted " the man replies.
" And now its my turn I have been couped up in that bottle for so long I want to make love to your wife. " The Man and Woman discuss it " Well he has made us wealthy beyond our wildest dreams where's the harm" So the man and woman go upstairs and make passionate love for hours. As they lie back exhausted the Man asks the Woman " How old is your Husband" " 37" the lady replies . " 37!!! and he still believes in Genies unbelievable!"
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her underwear, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Waiter, waiter !........Your thumb is in my soup ! Not to worry sir , its not very hot !
" " .......................I cant eat this , get me the manager ! Shouldn't bother sir , he wont eat it either !
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mum why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks, "Mum, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mum" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mum, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great mum, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mum ..." "Yes son?" " Why the hell are we in Chester Zoo"
After encouragement from Howard , Marina decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She jumps on the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Marina begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, Marina attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her high heel becomes entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..................................her Supermarket Manager sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.