An Army Captain called the Sergeant into his Office . " I have had some bad news Sergeant , Corporal Smith's Mum has passed away can I ask you to break the news to him and send him to me"
The Sergeant then addresses the ranks " Johnson see the HR Manager you have some papers to sign , Jones report to the MO you need a blood test , the rest of you report to the Motor Pool not you Smith your Mum's died report to the Captain "
After seeing Smith the Captain pulls the Sergeant in and says " Sergeant that was a bit tactless Smith told me how you told him , you need to be a bit more subtle next time. "
Two weeks later the Captain calls the Sergeant in to say Corporal Graham's Mum has passed away " and this time Sergeant remember tact . " . "Leave it to me Sir"
The Sergeant then addresses the ranks " Attention! Two steps forward everyone that has a Mother , not so fast Graham!"
A man is on business away from home and takes a day off work to play golf . As he approaches the first green he sees a frog . As he is about to hit his ball onto the green with his 9 iron he hears someone shout " Ribbit Wedge" . Well he looks around but doesn't see anyone and so addresses the ball with the 9 iron. Again he hears "Ribbit wedge" . "Oh its you , are you a lucky frog." The frog replies "Ribbit lucky frog" .
Anyway the guy takes his wedge out hits the ball straight in the hole so he decides to take the frog with him on the round and scores 12 under par his best score ever.
As he gets changed he decides this might help him make money so he takes the frog to the Casino where it utters " Ribbit £100 on 0." Sure enough Zero comes up and he wins £3600. Pleased as punch he returns to his Hotel with the frog. When he gets back the Frog pipes up "Ribbit Kiss Me."
Well he decides that the Frog has been good to him so he does and there is a big flash of light and a Nora Batty look alike appears and makes plain her amorous intentions .
" And that you Honour is why I broke the Hotel window and left without paying my Bill"
In the paper there was a report that Scientists have discovered that Beer contains traces of Female Hormones , hence as an experiment they gave a dozen men Ten pints each and recorded their behaviour for the next few days . The results were unexpected , in every case the men exhibited an inability to drive, talked excessively without making sense, became very emotional and refused to apologise when clearly wrong. No further testing is planned .
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no, you don't understand" said the man.
"I NEED to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years."
Steve Johns is on business in South Africa in the height of summer and sends a mail to his wife Jean to tell her how things are going. Unfortunately he mis-typed one letter and the mail went to a Joan Johns, the wife of a recently deceased Vicar who on reading the mail fainted with the shock. When she came around she showed it to her daughter. It read. " Arrived safely but it is so hot down here"
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 89 of them and I only lost the last one as it was tipping down and I slipped !"
To a Horse they turn around " That is absolutely amazing , would you Adam and Eve it , who'd have believed it, a talking Greyhound !! "