George Memorial Jokes thread

A woman on her deathbed asked her husband to open the box that was under the bed. In it he found 3 eggs and £7000 cash. "What is this" he said She replied " Every time we had sex I put an egg in the box." " Only 3 in 35 years??" he said She said " every time I got a dozen I sold them"! :22:
 
"What do we get from the hen?" asks the teacher.
"Eggs," says Little Susie.
"Good. And what do we get from the sheep?"
"Wool," says Little Susie.
"Good. And what do we get from the cow?"
"Homework," says Little Johnny.
 
If Vladimir Putin is reading this, Justin Bieber and One Direction were just singing nasty songs about you.
 
My nan thought she would easily win the sock knitting competition in her village.
She was distraught when it finished as a tie.
 
On my way to work this morning, I noticed the man driving next to me was texting whilst driving.
Knowing how dangerous that can be, I promptly rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.
 
My mate says his wife is trying to persuade him to get a dog.
He said: "My ideal dog would be one with soft fur for stroking, not too heavily built, that keeps itself clean, is relatively independent and cheap to maintain...
...Basically, a cat."
 
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week.
He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
 
I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring.
Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.
 
My wife came up to me this morning all upset and said,
"Oh I feel so ugly these days, my skin is wrinkled, my hips are too big, my boobs are saggy and my bum is huge, pay me a compliment!"
"Your eye sights spot on love" I replied.
 
I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction
But it's not hard.
 
tMzAO1I.jpg
 
As she was treating the cuts to my head, the nurse at A&E asked me how it had happened.
I said "I asked my barber to cut my hair like Stevie Wonder".
 
The waiter asked, "Would you like to hear today's special?"
"Yes please," I smiled.
"Today is special," he replied, then walked off.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top