jokes bad or otherwise.

I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "Will you be putting
it up yourself?" I replied "No,It's going in the living room!
 
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
 
A wife told her hubby she had a terrible fall in the street after
slipping on dog poop, and it was a full 5 minutes before anybody helped
her up.
The hubby wanted to tell her about his day too, but he'd have to reveal
how he crashed the car, laughing so much at some woman slipping on
dog poop in the street.
 
Came home to find that someone had smashed all my doors open and everything
was gone.
What sick people would do that to my Advent Calender! GET YOUR OWN!
 
Mother Superior was talking to the rest of the nuns, " We have a case
of chlamydia in the convent " An old nun at the back replies, " I
hope its better than that chardonnay we had last week "
 
A mum told her little boy that if he didn't start behaving Father
Christmas wouldn't bring him any presents.
He replied, "I'm not bothered, I'll still have the ones hidden in
your wardrobe."
 
I said to my mate, "My neighbours were yelling and shouting at 3am
this morning."
He said, "Did they wake you up?"
I replied, "No, I was practicing playing the trumpet."
 
My wife and I have decided we don't want kids
So if anyone wants some we can drop them off tomorrow
 
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