jokes bad or otherwise.

[dick]

Is fake spaghetti an impasta ??

 

[captain clutterbuck]

The Hunchback of Notre Dame has sadly passed away so the priest advertises for a new bell ringer . Only one guy turns up who just happens to have no arms . The Priest is dismayed and asks how can you ring the Bells to which the guy says by pulling the rope with my teeth . Anyway he gives him a trial , he grips the rope in his teeth and duly pulls the rope. Well the bell is so heavy the recoil catapults the man straight out of the window leaving him lying in the street . A crowd gathers and someone asks who the man is to which a woman replies " I don't know but his face rings a bell"

 

[Electrical Entwistle]

What's black and white, black and white, black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill.

(Ha ha does it remind you of a certain trio rolling down a hill?)

 

[dick]

Why was the Egyptian boy confused ??.................................His daddy was a mummy !

 

[gothic]

My Uncle passed away peacefully in his sleep...... unlike his passengers who were screaming for him to wake up!

 

[dick]

Some people don't like the way that I walk ..............But I take it all in my stride !

 

[dick]

A musician threatened to hit me with a guitar neck . I said "Is that a fret ??"

 

[dick]

I sent my girlfriend a load of snow.........Texted her later and said " Did you get my drift ?"

 

[dick]

What do people in jail use to call each other?......................Cell phones !

 

[Electrical Entwistle]

Did you hear about the midget that was pick-pocketed?

Who would stoop that low?

 

[dick]

Did you hear the joke about a piece of paper ?? Shouldn't bother ,its tearable!

 

[barmpot]

Business professor: "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?"

Student: "Tuition!"

 

[barmpot]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

 

[barmpot]

The Sunday school teacher asked her preschool class, "How many of you would like to go to Heaven?"

All the children raised their hands except Tommy. The teacher asked Tommy why he wouldn't like to go to Heaven.

Tommy answered, "I'm sorry, but I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school."

 

[barmpot]

Which animal do you never want to play cards with? A cheetah

 

[barmpot]

KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

 

[barmpot]

More funniest things


DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

 

[barmpot]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up. "

 

[barmpot]

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well, at $100 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."

 

[barmpot]

They say that inside each heavy person is a thin person struggling to get out. I've discovered that mine can be sedated with a piece of chocolate cake.