jokes bad or otherwise.

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
 
This is a tale of Mary Ann Lowder!......……….She died while drinking a Beecham's Powder ,
Called from this world to her Heavenly rest, she should have waited while it effervesced.! :42:
 
Two priests are walking out of a church, having a conversation, when a drunk approaches them.

"Hey (hiccup), do you two serve the church?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm the Son of God, so you guys are serving me."

"No, my friend, you are not."

"Really, I am. I can prove it."

"Okay, go ahead and prove it to us."

"Alright (hiccup), follow me."

The two priests follow him until he stops at a bar.

The priests look a little confused, but he assures them that this is the right place.

The drunk walks in and taps the bartender on the shoulder.

The bartender turns around and exclaims:

"Jesus Christ, you again?!"
 
Quasimodo goes to the doctors with back pain

The doctor tells him to remove his clothes, and he reluctantly agrees and starts undressing, and takes off 2 coats, then a jacket, then 7 jumpers, 3 Tee shirts, and reveals yet another coat...

The Doctor says "Hold on Quasi, hold on!", "Why are you wearing so many clothes?"

Quasi says "I never got undressed since the day the hump had appeared and to hide it I just kept putting more clothes on top of the old ones."

The doctor asked "When did you start doing this?"

Quasi said "Back when I was at school"

The doctor said "Didn't you ever wonder where your school backpack had gone!?"
 
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" " First Place ," said Snow White


They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?""
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"


They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the £$%^ is Boris Johnson?" asked Pinocchio.
 
A Food inspector goes to a Restaurant for a health assessment . He asks the owner to try some food starting with a Pizza . The owner calls out the chef who comes out dressed in a grubby singlet , sweating profusely " Please make the inspector your best margherita pizza" The chef grabs some dough from the fridge lifts the singlet and mould the pizza dough on his stomach to form a round he then grabs some tomata sauce smears it with his grubby hand over the pizza dough and then sprinkles over cheese . He peels the pizza from his stomach and throws it in the oven .

The inspector is appalled says he's not eating that and wants to try something else which must be better or he will shut the owner down . The owner tells the Chef " Make the inspector a burger"


The Chef goes to the fridge grabs a handful of beef , puts it under his extended arm in his armpit, pushes his arm down by his side , pulls the burger from under his arm and flips it onto the griddle . " No more that's it I wont even try that , I'm coming back in the morning for breakfast and if things don't improve I am revoking your food licence and shutting you down !!!!!"

The owner apologetically agrees but says " If you're coming back for Breakfast I would recommend you don't try the Bagels!!" :39::eek2::fp:
 
I have opted to put what would normally be Dick Pearls for your delectation and the subject is Bees :-

I was woken by the other night by what appeared to be the Onions in my Fridge singing a Bee Gees song
but it turned out to only be the chives talking

What do you call a Bee Hive with no exits?

Unbelievable

I wanted to start keeping Bees so I went to see a local keeper to buy my first dozen bees but he counted out 13 .
I pointed out I had only asked him for 12 , he replied the other one was a Freebie.


:fp:
 
Eventually you will stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.Then you know you're getting older !:fp:
 
A young woman from Southampton was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy on a Cruise tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.

"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," The Captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus,he's making love to me every night."

"Well I think he's lying to you and taking advantage , this is the Isle of Wight Ferry!"
 
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “%$^$£ hell ……. how much water did you drink?”:)
 
A robber runs into a Bank and pulls a gun on the Bank Teller and Manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The Bank Manager said to the Teller, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.” :fp:
 
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