jokes bad or otherwise.

A French Man was Teaching his English Girlfriend to Swim

After the third lesson, the man said to his girlfriend, “ok, you’ve now learnt enough. I’ll let you to swim on your own”
He then went out to relax by the pool side on the sun bed, as he watched his girlfriend practise her newly learnt skills.

After swimming for a while in the shallow end of the pool, the English girl was beginning to feel confident. She decided to swim to the deep-end to practise her newly learnt skills. At the deep-end, she panicked when she realised her legs couldn’t touch the bottom of the pool.

“I’m sinking! I’m sinking! She yelled, struggling to keep her head above the water, and splashing around in panic.
From the sun bed where he was relaxing in the sun, the French man, proud, looked on at the girlfriend in the water, and thought to him self:

“Wow, that’s what I call a quick learner! She’s already playing in the deep-end!”
But the panicking girlfriend screamed again: “I’m sinking, I’m sinking!”

Slightly raising his head from the sun bed and partially covering the side of his mouth in order to be heard, the French man shouted back to his girlfriend:
“About what , where we will eat ?”
 
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a £$%&* ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
 
We're doing a survey on people using the Internet! May I ask you a few questions ??
Firstly , how old are you ? I'm 69 !
You're too old, thankyou for your time . Goodbye ! :08:o_O
 
An Elderly Irish lady visited her Doctor as her Husband had lost his libido . The Doctor suggested a course of Viagra . "No good yer Man wont take a tablet. " the lady uttered . The Doctor said "Don't worry we have a soluble version you can just dissolve it in his tea or coffee"

A week later the lady is back and the Doctor asks "well how did things go"

"Terrible !!" " I did what you said dissolved the tablet in his coffee, well it worked instantly he jumped up cups and saucers went everywhere and he ravished me there and then on the table !!"

" Well I am glad it worked but why was it so terrible" . " Doctor I'll never be able to go to Starbucks again!"
 
An old man of 85 married a 22 year old girl, She declared they should sleep in separate beds so he wouldnt be too tired.She got into bed and a few minutes later came a knock at the door , Her husband came in obviously ready for love. Afterwards he went back to his room and she settled for sleep. A few minutes later there he was again. This happened a third and a fourth time . She cried out amazed , I've known men a quarter of your age only good for the once how do you do it?? He looked at her embarrassed and bemused and said I've been in here before have I? :oops: :eyesroll:
 
Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! What you gonna to do about that?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me.

So, I've come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop an arsenic capsule in, and sit here watching the poison slowly dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?”
 
I hope nobody minds, but a joke involving Ken Dodd that I heard today from comedian John Thomson.

Two men were in a theatre waiting to see a Ken Dodd show and one says to the other: "What's the difference between Ken Dodd and a coconut? - You can get a drink out of a coconut." "Oi, I heard that!" said a voice behind them. The men turn around to discover that Ken Dodd himself is standing there. "Do you lads want a drink?" says Ken. "Yes please!", said the men, anxious that they their joke might just be proved wrong. Then, in a flash of inspiration, Ken said "Get yourselves a coconut then!"
 
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the 1st hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, “Hoover!” under his breath.

On the 2nd hole, Father Murphy’s ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.

On the 3rd hole, a miracle occurred, and Father Murphy’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!”

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “Hoover!”
By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, “Hoover.”

“It’s the biggest "£$%^ Dam I know.”
 
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