jokes bad or otherwise.

Wife "Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?"
Husband "Yes I know, I'm getting ready now"
Wife "That sounds like her car pulling up now"
Husband "No, that's my taxi, see you later"
 
BBC News: Man finds dead bird in Tesco salad bag...
you know it's a quiet week when a chicken salad is national news.
 
this may sound familiar....Our guard dog lets every body and everything into the house!Must be a UK border collie! ::)
 
I don't see what the big deal about 'I'm a celebrity' is....
If I wanted to watch disorientated people who think they're special arguing over pointless things and eating disgusting animal parts I'd go to a kebab shop on a Saturday night.
 
I read today in the news that one in four women are on medication for a mental disorder. This really brought home to me the horror of the situation. That means three out of four women aren't receiving the medical treatment they need.
 
Its been announced that the world's 'lightest material' has been unveiled by US engineers.
Harry Hill has been left wondering how they got the scripts for his shows.
 
I remember our old school teacher Mr Kelly used to make us cut up frogs in class.
Which was a bit weird considering he was the PE teacher.
 
Whilst strolling along the white cliffs of Dover three day's ago, I noticed a
suicide bomber slip from a cliff and fall into the sea.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying and If he didn't get help, he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, I informed Kent Police and the Home Office.
The man has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
 
I bought a new watch today.
It has a second hand, a minute hand, an hour hand, and 2 other mystery hands.
I have too much hands on my time.
 
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"The witch is dead, which old witch?"
"Try the doorbell"
"Ding dong, the witch is dead.. ah that's better"
 
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