jokes bad or otherwise.

I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring.
Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.
 
I was doing 80mph today when I drove into the back of a stationary van.
Luckily, he was doing 75mph, so the only damage was a couple of creased A4 notepads in the back.
 
Let's see how many we upset with this one:

Government Contracts
​
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street.
One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says,
'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"
The official, incredulous, says,
'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back,
'£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that friends, ...... is how it all works.
 
Big Unc said:
Let's see how many we upset with this one:

Government Contracts
​
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street.
One from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.
They go with a government official to examine the wall.
The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says,
'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'
The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or do figures but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700"
The official, incredulous, says,
'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Liverpool contractor whispers back,
'£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'
'Done!' replies the government official.
And that friends, ...... is how it all works.
Click to expand...


;D ;D ;D ;D
 
The wife and I were having a massive row.
"I'm so disappointed in you," she said. "When we got married I thought you were a brave man."
"Yes," I replied, "and so did all my my friends."
 
This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.
 
A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.

One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."

Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom??"
 
A single guy who was very lonely decided that life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he decided on a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house. He took the centipede home, found a good location for the box home, and then decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have dinner.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to McDonald's with me to have dinner?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to McDonald's with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McDonald's with me to have dinner?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!!"
 
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.

A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny [our six-week-old son] while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.

With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top