jokes bad or otherwise.

"When's it due, love?"
"I'm not pregnant, you cheeky bugger"
"No, the bus."
"Don't be stupid, buses don't get pregnant."
 
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true??" she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"
 
I said to my missus, "Have a guess where I've booked you for your holiday?"
She said "Seychelles?"
I replied "Ok, shells, you're off to Skegness."
 
The new super computer is to be launched soon that will predict the weather better.
Its to be called the "Automatic curtain opener"
 
I've read 'Plumbing for idiots' twice and I still haven't got a clue what I'm doing.
I guess it's going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
 
A tough old cowboy once counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
 
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
 
My wife asked, "If I died tomorrow, how long would you wait before sleeping with another woman?"
I said, "10 years."
"Aww really, why?" she smiled.
I said, "They'd probably let me out on parole by then."
 
I said to my wife, "I know you're worried about losing your looks, so try this beauty treatment." Handing her a carrier.
She opened it and said, "There's nothing in it."
I said, "I know, just pop the bag over your head."
 
I was speaking to my doctor.
I said, "Doc, just how bad is my halitosis?"
He said, "Pretty bad" and hung up the phone.
 
A gang of rogue tailors came into our town recently, made numerous alterations and left.
Police have threatened to arrest them if they turn up again.
 
I went to the Doctors and said to the receptionist,
"When do you think the doctor will be able to see me?"
She smiled and said, "As soon as you walk in the room, he's not blind."
 
1977439_689587397829218_337500594970828790_n_zps2a0ef9e1.jpg
 
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