jokes bad or otherwise.

On a beautiful Sunday morning everybody in the town is at Church. Out of nowhere the Devil appears , everybody starts screaming and running out the doors, tripping over each other, but one old man just sits there .

The Devil is confused , walks up to him and asks if he knows who he is. The old man says I certainly do. The Devil asks "Are you not afraid of me people normally are ." A resounding " No " is the old man's answer.

The Devil is even more confused and asks "Why ?" " Because I was married to your sister for 48 years." is the Old Man's answer.
 
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
 

happyjack

Well-Known Member
An Emergency call Centre Operator has been dismissed from her job after being reported that her reply to a 999 call was inappropriate and not the correct response.
The call was from a depressed man who was lying on a railway line waiting for a train to come so he could meet his maker.
The operator told him to "remain calm and stay on the line".
 

dick

Well-Known Member
A motorcyclist had pulled up at traffic lights when a car pulled up and the driver ran up to him.
"Goodness sake man , didn't you realise your passenger had fallen off when you took that bend a mile back ?"
The biker said" Thank goodness , I thought I'd gone deaf !!":fp:
 

dick

Well-Known Member
A vicar went into the pet shop for something to keep him company.
The assistant said "What about this parrot ? Pull the strong on his right leg and he whistles Rock of ages . Pull the string on his left leg and he recites The Lords Prayer!"
"What happens if I pull both at once " asked the vicar?
" I fall off my perch "!screeched the parrot !:08::fp:
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing -- it showed four people on an aeroplane!

Teacher: "What Bible story is that?"

Kid: "It's the flight to Egypt."

Teacher: "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus ... but who's the fourth person?"

Kid: "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot."
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things: "Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

"So why do YOU have so much hair?" Little Johnny asks.

"Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother.
 

barmpot

Well-Known Member
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.

One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
 
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