jokes bad or otherwise.

A student and his professor are visiting the local mortuary so the student can examine a dead person's body before his final Medical Exam. The student enters the cold room whilst the Professor waits outside. The young lad sees a body on the table under a white sheet which he removes. To his surprise on looking at the body the corpse has a cork in it's bottom. Curious why, he decides to remove it and see what happens.

To his astonishment music starts playing , albeit slightly off key , with the lyrics " Penny Lane there is a barber showing photographs of every head he's had the pleasure to know " Utterly perplexed he replaces the cork and rushes out to fetch the professor.

On returning to the room with the Professor he again pulls out the cork and again the song plays albeit off key. "Isn't that astonishing " the student says . "Not really " the Professor responds " every A**hole thinks they can sing like the Beatles but clearly they can't"
Groups and recording artists of years gone by have aged dramatically and have now had to adopt their songs to fit their ages :-

The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

A man is at the Urinal when he notices a really short gentlemen staring at him . He feels really uncomfortable when the short guy pulls up a stepladder next to him at the trough. " I have to say" the short guy says"that is by far the nicest pair I have ever seen , I know this is a strange request but would you mind if I touched them " . Shocked but flattered by the comments the man agrees and the short guy grabs him extremely tightly. " Right" the short man said " Hand over your wallet or I jump!" :eek:
A guy takes his date for a drive when his car glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "You're going to pull the old 'out of petrol' routine aren't you."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.
One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."
A Helicopter is flying around Seattle in bad flying conditions and its navigation instruments are down . It suddenly comes close to a very tall building and the pilot writes in large letters on a piece of paper " WHERE AM I" and holds it up . Someone in the building spots it and writes " YOU'RE IN A HELICOPTER" . The pilot turns the copter to the right travels about half a mile and lands at the airport safely. The Co-pilot is curious and asks how did holding that sign up help you to land the Helicopter safely. " Well when the answer came back I knew that was the Microsoft building because like their phone Help lines technically the answer was correct but was in fact totally $%£* useless!"