A student and his professor are visiting the local mortuary so the student can examine a dead person's body before his final Medical Exam. The student enters the cold room whilst the Professor waits outside. The young lad sees a body on the table under a white sheet which he removes. To his surprise on looking at the body the corpse has a cork in it's bottom. Curious why, he decides to remove it and see what happens.
To his astonishment music starts playing , albeit slightly off key , with the lyrics " Penny Lane there is a barber showing photographs of every head he's had the pleasure to know " Utterly perplexed he replaces the cork and rushes out to fetch the professor.
On returning to the room with the Professor he again pulls out the cork and again the song plays albeit off key. "Isn't that astonishing " the student says . "Not really " the Professor responds " every A**hole thinks they can sing like the Beatles but clearly they can't"
A man is at the Urinal when he notices a really short gentlemen staring at him . He feels really uncomfortable when the short guy pulls up a stepladder next to him at the trough. " I have to say" the short guy says"that is by far the nicest pair I have ever seen , I know this is a strange request but would you mind if I touched them " . Shocked but flattered by the comments the man agrees and the short guy grabs him extremely tightly. " Right" the short man said " Hand over your wallet or I jump!"
A Helicopter is flying around Seattle in bad flying conditions and its navigation instruments are down . It suddenly comes close to a very tall building and the pilot writes in large letters on a piece of paper " WHERE AM I" and holds it up . Someone in the building spots it and writes " YOU'RE IN A HELICOPTER" . The pilot turns the copter to the right travels about half a mile and lands at the airport safely. The Co-pilot is curious and asks how did holding that sign up help you to land the Helicopter safely. " Well when the answer came back I knew that was the Microsoft building because like their phone Help lines technically the answer was correct but was in fact totally $%£* useless!"