jokes bad or otherwise.

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
 
There was a Chess Masters convention and several of the attendees were standing in the hotel lobby, discussing their past victories. After about an hour of this, the manager came over and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked.

"Because," the manager said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
A guy goes into a fancy lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar, but the bouncer tells him he needs a necktie to get in.

The guy doesn't have a necktie handy, so goes out to his car and gets his jumper cables. He ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the lounge. The bouncer looks him up & down and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
 
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded
and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
 
Two guys were fishing on a river.

One catches the biggest catfish either one had ever seen. He says to his buddy, "We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again."

His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big 'X' on the bottom of his boat.

The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. "You idiot! What if we bring another boat next time?"
 
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
 
Doctor: "You're in great shape for your age, but I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger."

Elderly Patient: "Who asked you to make me younger? Just make sure I get older!"
 
A man was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running toward him. He stopped one of the runners and asked, "What's happening?"

The runner replied breathlessly, "A lion has escaped from the city zoo."

"Oh no! Which way is it heading?"

"Well, you don't think we're chasing it, do you?"
 
During a little league baseball game, the coach asked one of his young players: "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"Do you understand that what matters is winning together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the boy nodded yes.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
 
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her vicar she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over ASDA

"ASDA?" the vicar exclaimed. "Why ASDA?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top