jokes bad or otherwise.

[barmpot]

A pessimist is someone who, when opportunity knocks, complains about the noise.

 

[barmpot]

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

 

[barmpot]

I used to be in a band called Missing Cat ... you probably saw our posters.

 

[dick]

An optimist when his glass is half full ,waits for someone to fill up the rest!!

 

[barmpot]

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? (I feel like I've forgotten this before…)

 

[barmpot]

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me.

 

[dick]

Why did the dinosaur go on a diet? ............ He got too big for his scales

 

[barmpot]

I called the Psychic Friends Network. They said, "Who's calling?"

 

[barmpot]

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

 

[barmpot]

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

 

[barmpot]

I went to buy a camouflage shirt the other day, but I couldn't find any.

 

[barmpot]

If your car's engine develops a knock, chances are it's opportunity knocking for some mechanic.

 

[barmpot]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

 

[barmpot]

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete

 

[barmpot]

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

 

[barmpot]

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

[barmpot]

Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.

 

[barmpot]

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Billy Smart, the Circus impresario, is in Ireland staging some shows and pops into a bar for a drink . After ordering a Guinness he sees a large crowd in the corner of the bar and wonders what is going on . As he peers over the crowd he seen a metal bucket upside down on the table with a Duck on top of the bucket and its tap dancing whilst its owner is playing Putting on the Ritz on the harmonica . Well he's bowled over with it and offers the guy 10,000 Euros for the duck and bucket who promptly snatches his hand off .

Anyway Billy takes the duck with him back to the Circus gives it top billing and gets one of the musicians to play Putting on the Ritz on the harmonica , The curtains go back and the duck is on the bucket on a table in the centre of the ring , the musician starts to play and the duck does absolutely nothing . Post show an angry Billy Smart hotfoots it to the pub and grabs the seller warmly by the throat demanding his money back . The man asks Billy to calm down and enquires " Did you remember to put the lighted candle under the bucket"

 

[barmpot]

Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this??