jokes bad or otherwise.

[dick]

What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants ?
Ones a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean !

 

[barmpot]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 8 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said, he had / children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie.

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 7 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?"

He answered: "Eight."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

 

[barmpot]

If you cross your electric blanket with your toaster would this mean you could pop out of bed each morning?

 

[barmpot]

Stroke a cat...and you will have a permanent job

 

[Electrical Entwistle]

What's musical and handy in the supermarket?

A Chopin Liszt.

 

[dick]

Kleptomaniacs always take things so literally .

 

[Electrical Entwistle]

Why do cannibals never eat clowns?

They taste funny!

 

[dick]

Charlie was mustard gassed during the war, and was caught by pepper spray during a recent protest. He's now a seasoned veteran !

 

[Electrical Entwistle]

How do you service a pogo stick?

You give it a spring clean.

 

[dick]

I went to buy a cake , I asked how much they were and was told £1 each "but this one is £2 " "Why is that?" I asked............. "This one is Madiera cake!" (My dearer cake)

 

[dick]

In the bakers was a man leaning on the wall just looking around. "Whats he here for ?" I asked
The baker said "Oh him, he comes in every day for a good long loaf !"

 

[Electrical Entwistle]

My optometrist backed into the lens grinder.

She made a real spectical of herself.

 

[dick]

My driving has got so bad, my sat-nav has divorced me!

 

[dick]

How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb ? One-two, one-two . one-two !

 

[dick]

My toaster is so slow it takes nearly 10 minutes to do one slice of bread ! It's like waiting for Crispness!

 

[Electrical Entwistle]

Did you hear about the pastry chef who became a mathematician?

He could calculate apple pi.

 

[dick]

What did one wall say to the other wall ? Meet me on the corner !

 

[Electrical Entwistle]

How do sheep keep warm in Winter?

Central Bleating.

 

[dick]

Why did the Hippie burn his mouth ?? He ate his pizza before it was cool.

 

[dick]

A man was arrested for trying to steal a tumble dryer from a store. He said he was just taking it for a spin