jokes bad or otherwise.

A lady had just totally written off her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine," the lady chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."
 
A lady lost her purse while shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $100 bill in it. Now there are 100 $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse and she didn't have any change for a reward."
 
A family from the hills of Kentucky was visiting the big city for the first time.

They stayed in a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The mother and daughter stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was. After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the girl looked up at her mom, "Ma, what do you reckon that there thing is?" she asked.

"I don't rightly know, girl," the mother replied.

Just then an old, frumpy man in a robe with messy hair walks up, steps in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a handsome, muscular young man in tight work-out clothes comes out.

The mother leans over to her daughter and says, "Girl, go and get your Pa!"
 
A football team hires a new striker and he is in the changing room with his other team mates and the Manager . The Manager welcomes him to the team and says its unusual but if you can answer this maths question I will put you straight in the team today . " If you score two goals today and two goals next Saturday how many will you have scored " . "Four " the striker replies at which point the team burst out laughing and say " That's not fair boss you could of asked him an easier question he was bound to get that wrong" :08:
 
A woman screeches her car onto the drive of her house and bursts through the door shouting " Hey Fred pack your bags quickly I've just won the lottery" . " Absolutely brilliant should I pack for a beach holiday or skiing " . "Pack what you like Fred just get it done and @$%* go!"
 
A young boy accompanies his Grandma to the hospital to visit his Grandad . He rushes ahead and goes into the room shouting " Grandad, Grandad when Grandma comes in please make a sound like a frog" . " Alright" the Grandad replies " but why?" . The young boy retorts " Because Grandma said if you croak she will take me to Disneyland!"
 
A man knocked on his bosses door , "Pardon me sir ,may I have tomorrow off? My wife wants to go shopping"
"Certainly not ! " said his boss
Thank you very much sir , you saved my life " said the worker.:08::rolleyes:
 
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