jokes bad or otherwise.

Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Technology Law #3: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Technology Law #4: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Technology Law #5: All great discoveries are made by mistake.
 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NOOO!"

Then silence.

The captain finally came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am SO sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
 
A burglar decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so.

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "Can't trust nobody no more!"
 
A woman buys an unusual Antique mirror from an old junk show and she takes it home to hang on the Bathroom door . As she is changing for bed she decides to see if it could be a magic mirror like the one in Snow White so she says out loud "Mirror Mirror on the door make my bust size 44 !" Suddenly there's a huge flash and sure enough it comes true so she rushes out to tell her husband who is absolutely astonished .

He thinks "Well if it worked for her perhaps it could work for me" so he heads to the Bathroom and says out loud "Mirror Mirror on the door make my Willy touch the floor !" Suddenly there is a huge flash and his legs disappeared . :08:
 
A man goes into a local pet shop to buy a cat. The shop owner points to three identical-looking cats in a basket and says, "The cat on the left costs £400." The man asks "Why does the cat cost so much?". The owner says "Well, that cat knows how to do market research."

Then man then asks about the cat in the middle, to be told that this cat costs £800 because she can do everything the other cat can do plus this cat knows how to write a proposal that will win any business unlimited financial funds.

Naturally, the increasingly startled the man asks about the third cat on the right, to be told that it costs £2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, the man asks, "What can that cat can do?" To which the shop owner replies, "Well, to be honest, I've never seen her do anything, but the other two call her CEO."
 
Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public.

Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live.

"What shall we do now then" said the boy statue. "Let's do the same thing again" she replied. "Okay", said the boy statue, "but this time, you hold the pigeons down while I crap on them".
 
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror and lipstick from her purse when she accidentally breaks wind loudly just as the waiter is passing.

Sitting up straight , embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and shouts "Sir, that is disgusting I suggest that you stop it immediately!"

The waiter looks at her wryly and says "Certainly Madam , but you will have to tell me which way was it headed?
 
Two men are playing a competitive golf match , one is a couple of holes down with three to go . He says to himself if I can sink this putt that will be one down , two to play I can win this .

As he is about to putt a stranger walks by and mutters " If you could make that putt would you give up a third of your Sex life ? " The man thinks about it and agrees , putts the ball and it goes in.

At the next hold he is 90 yards from the flag when the stranger walks by and says " Your opponent is on the green with a birdie putt would you give up another third of your Sex life to make this shot which would give you an Eagle and draw you level." The man thinks about it again an agrees . He hits the ball with his wedge and it backspins into the hole.

And so they move to the final hole his opponent has a putt for par the man is in the bunker when the stranger again walks by and says " Your opponent has a simple putt for a par if you could chip this in from the bunker that would give you a birdie and you win but you would of course have to lose the final third of you Sex life , that's no more sex for the rest of your days. So desperate to win the match and take the prize the man agrees , chips the ball one bounce and straight in the hole he's won the match.

On the way back to the clubhouse the stranger walks up and says " You know I have not been really fair with you , you don't know who I am well I am the Devil and I have just robbed you of your Sex life for the rest of your days !"

" Father O'Malley , nice to meet the opposition!"
 
An Englishman, an Irishman , a Scotsman and a Welshman were captured by rebel forces. They allowed them one last request before they were to be shot .
The Welshman asked for a choir to sing for him.
The Scotsman asked to hear the bagpipes one last time.
The Irishman wanted a performance of Riverdance.
When they asked the Englishman what he would like he said " I don't want to hear any of that lot , shoot me first !":08::eyesroll:
 
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall chop the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to chop him in two!" exclaimed the King's Courtier.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
 
A boy and his date were parked on a country road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on country roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25."
 
A man is involved in an awful accident and he loses his private parts . The surgeon comes to see him in the Hospital bed and tells him with the modern technology available these days we can replace it but it will be a private operation not available on the NHS and you will have to pay . " We have three sizes available at different costs its £2000 for the small £5000 for the medium and £10,000 for the large , I think you ned to discuss it with your wife and let me know which option you want to go for ."

The Surgeon returns the next day and asks if the couple has reached a decision. The man replies " We have , all things considered she has decided to just replace the Kitchen!"
 
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*&t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! and finally........

11. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".
 
In a shop that sold religious items was a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them.

Customer: "WWJD? What does that mean?"

Clerk: "WWJD stands for 'What Would Jesus Do' "

Customer: "Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't pay $23.95 for one of these baseball caps."
 
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