jokes bad or otherwise.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bulls**t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'' "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete plonker !" :eek::13::08:
 
In an Irish Institution there is a tradition where the two most reformed patients are asked a couple of questions and if they answer correctly they are allowed to leave this year its a lady called Patty and a man called Mike. The Institute's senior Doctor asks the questions. Patty is first up.

" I know you understand what is about to happen Patty so here are your two questions ." " If I were to poke you in the eye with a sharp instrument what would happen? " Patty immediately answers " I would be half blind" " Correct" the Doctor says " and if I repeated that with your other eye ?"
Patty replies " I'd be totally blind" "You are again correct please wait in the waiting room and ask Mike to come in"

Patty goes out and tells Mike what the questions are and what he should answer .

Mike goes in and again the Doctor explains the process asking the first question " If I were to cut off your right ear what would happen?" Mike immediately answers "I would be half blind !" Puzzled the Doctor immediately follows up with the second question " And if I cut off you other ear?" Mike answers again " I would be totally blind"

The doctor now totally confused asks " How would you be totally blind if I cut off both your ears ??" Mike responds " Simple sir me hat would fall over me eyes!!" :08::tw::)
 
A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.

"Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

"No I can't," the captain replied. "Can pilots fly?"
 
A muscular young man at the construction site bragged that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. After several minutes, an older (and wiser) worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" said the older fellow. "I bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."
 
Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand."

"No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."
 
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
 
Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do.

Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.

For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?
 
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the Senior Special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay more for NOT taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"Yep" stated the waitress.

"I'll take the special," my wife replied.

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.
 
An older couple is having dinner in a restaurant. The wife sees another couple about their age sitting in a booth nearby. She sees the husband sitting close to his wife, with his arm around her. He is whispering things in her ear, and she is smiling and blushing. He's gently rubbing her shoulder and touching her hair.

The woman turns to her husband and says, "Look at the couple over there. Look how close that man is to his wife, how he's talking to her. Look at how sweet he is. Why don't you ever do that?"

Her husband looks up from his Caesar salad and glances over at the next booth. Then he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, I don't even know that woman."
 
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